“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight”
– The Swiss Army
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the ideal man is always thinking of several cool things at once (throwing a football really far, a truck with big wheels, giving a lot of high fives)
I enjoy long woks to the Chinese place up the street.
[Swiss bank]
ME: I’d like to take out a loan
CASHIER: Okay, what kind?
ME: A tober
CASHIER: what?
ME: A toberloan
CASHIER: Are you trying to say Toblerone?
ME: …toberloan
The bank says I can’t afford a $950 mortgage so I pay $1400 a month in rent instead.
[Robot Uprising]
Human: Oh no a robot! What kind are you?
Robot: I am a counting machine
Human: Oh thank g—
Robot: Now killing human #53822
A jealous woman…can make the FBI look like mall security.
The last time I danced like nobody was watching, someone stabbed me with an EpiPen.
Return of the Jedi is not possible without the receipt of the Jedi.
I attempted smoky eye makeup for a holiday party tonight, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight, so I’m going with that story.
I accidentally used my mom’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here
“Let’s take a couple dozen over-stimulated children and give them enough sugar to kill an elephant.” – inventor of the birthday party
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No you hang up”*slams phone*
Why do I keep calling that parrot?!
Best spoiler warning ever
I like to keep a glass of water on my nightstand just in case I wake up in the middle of the night and I want to spill something.
“Why don’t you slip into something a little… less comfortable?” He tentatively asks while eyeing my knock-off Tweety Bird shirt with multiple sketti sauce stains.
#CoronaOutbreak
Her: I need advice.
Me: (eating cookie dough for breakfast) You came to the right person.
When one door closes, I lock it.
I’m not chancing someone else getting in.
Dracula’s wife: You’ve got a little smudge on your chin.
Dracula: Vhere? Here?
Dracula’s wife: No, a little to the left.
Dracula: Here?
Dracula’s wife: No, a bit to the right. You know what? Just go look in the mi..
Dracula: LOOK INTO WHAT, MARTHA??
me: no shoes in the house
murderer: sorry
hey there delilah, oh shit no i meant vicky
babe i promise you’re the only one
no this is not a hickey
♪it’s just a bruuuise ♪
People who think Americans won’t take trains if they are a couple of hours slower than planes need to meet the Midwesterners who are like “why bother flying it’s only a ten hour drive”
Ninjas owed people money. You don’t get that good at hiding without owing people money.
When my friend and I were children, gym class would have us run around the neighborhood. This run would pass my house. We sneak through the back alley into my house and watch TV for 20 minutes and then my dad will drive us back to school. The perfect crime
Not allowed to stay up past 10:30 or I start Googling things like “how to start donkey sanctuary”
Me: I found some sunglasses. Got any wallets?
Lost&Found: this isn’t an exchange
Me: *pulls sunglasses back*
LF: security!
Me: *runs*
Can someone Venmo me $74,000?
I’ll take you camping.
Podcasters who eat while recording: why do you hate your audience?
Me: I brought you some bird seed.
Rad Pigeon: Coo’
My teacher always hated my answers to her math questions. “If I have 6 candy bars in one hand and 7 in the other, what do I have?” Diabetes?