@Jake_Vig: THEM: Let's head down to Paradise City. I heard the girls are really hot there. ME: What's the grass situation?

@BCMontgo: [zombie wedding] Groom: *lifts veil* Bride: That was my face. Groom: *lowers face*

@colesprouse: Just lookin for a girl to help me organize my plastic bag drawer.

@Black__Elvis: My gf said all I do is sit on the couch in my underwear all day but that's bullshit, I've never been able to fit my underwear onto my couch.

@XplodingUnicorn: [terrible nursing home] Old guy: How did you end up here? Elderly me: I made my kids steak instead of hot dogs. Him: *gasps* You monster.