“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight.” — The Swiss Army
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[first day as a sports announcer]
*clears throat*
*taps mic twice*
Me: sprots
I was going to have a proper career by 30. I’m 47.
principal: your resume says you only teach subtraction?
me: I just want to make a difference
Snail 1: Are you male or female?
Snail 2: Yes
Snail 1: Me too!
[they kiss passionately]
18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
The person who made stabbing people illegal, clearly never slept next to someone who snores.
Just told my husband we needed to end this year with a bang and now I’m regretting my choice of words.
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
The kids are in bed
It isn’t that late
But now I will pay
For all that I ate
Single and childfree like Jesus
my answer to the age old ‘trolley problem’ ? I would simply also lay down on the tracks.
[Flat-earth expedition log]
Day 746: We continue to sail West in search of the edge. Earth is much larger than we believed & surprisingly repetitive. We sailed past another island with huge stone heads on it. That’s the third one so far.
I could host an elegant dinner party, but I don’t know enough people with simmering tension over long-held secrets to make it worthwhile.
Apparently everyone was too high in the 70’s when Grease came out to notice that every “student” at Rydell High looked like they were 35
ME: Siri listen very carefully. I need you to quietly dial 911, and…
SIRI: I HAVE FOUND TWO RESTAURANTS WITHIN 5 MILES OF YOUR LOCATION.
*Buys Samsung smart fridge. Opens app every 15 minutes to see if there’s anything good in there*
ME [giving a PowerPoint presentation]: *points so hard*
[after a few beer I get the confidence to use the word cataclysmic] the effects of the climate crisis are going to be [beer doing what beer does] catsarechristmas
a squirrel buries a nut in my backyard. I think im going to dig it up & replace it with a grilled cheese sandwich, blow its freaking mind!
A moment of silence for all those who are stuck in traffic, trying to get to the gym, to ride stationary bikes…
My children wanted to play airplane rides and are very upset because I told them my flight is fully booked
[mothers day]
Norman Bates: I got you flowers, Mother.
Norman Bates dressed as her: Oh I love them.
Like Grandma used to say, if it seems too good to be true buy as much of that shit as you can.
Grandma drank a lot. We miss her.
BOSS: how was your weekend?
ME: oh man i got so high
BOSS: it’s against company policy-
ME: I took a ride in a hot air balloon
BOSS: oh, haha well then-
ME: then the edibles kicked in
When you search “Amazon Music”, Google offers a helpful link to the Login page, where you can’t log in but you can check out some tunes by an Artist named Login.
You love to see it, two of the most valuable companies in the world just pranking the shit out of themselves
Me: {after awkwardly long silence} So you come here often?
Waitress: Yes I work here can you please just order.
To the Audi hogging the road:
Sir, money means nothing to me. I will turn your Audi into an innie real quick!
If we were in a fight, I’d mop the floor with you…
Except I don’t do housework.
ME: Every tool in The Flintstones was an animal modified into servitude. Except for transportation. A role historically fulfilled by animals, yet man had to power their cars alone. It feels symbolically significant.
ARCHAEOLOGY PROFESSOR: How do you keep getting in here?
Sorry ISIS but we already have a religious state that nobody likes and is full of people that hate modern thinking: it’s called Kansas.