Today is going to be a good day. I can feel it.
*finds there’s no coffee*
{Mood swing in 3…2…1…}
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When the birds sing at 4 am it’s “beautiful” and “a part of nature” but when I do it, it’s all “shut up or I’ll call the cops”, and “why is it always Bell Biv Devoe.”
If I had any self control I’d probably eat that too.
I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.
Seven years ago THIS was all we had to worry about.
If you post a handstand photo of yourself at the beach in Uggs you’re automatically entered into an essay contest on why you love your Jetta
My high must be wearing off, because that cop car that pulled me over 20 minutes ago is starting to look like a house with Christmas lights.
Nobody:
8: “Mommy! Did you know that cowboys say YEE-HA! and ninjas say HEE-YA!”
4k tvs? no thanks i only need one
I have no idea what she’s talking about.
You know it’s a BBQ type holiday weekend when there are a thousand people in the spice aisle at the grocery store just staring at the spices
My Dad turns off his cell phone when he’s home because, “I have a phone at home, why waist the battery?”
Love you Dad
Why is “you’re a peach” a compliment but “you’re bananas” is an insult? Why do we allow such fruit discrimination?
I hope that if I ever have to call 9-1-1 for an emergency an essential oil person is not the operator.
Help, I’m hurt.
Try Lavender.
I’ve found that Tupperware is a lot cheaper if you buy the ones that come filled with ice cream.
instagram reminding me of when my little brother ruined a pair of shoes for a class project on entrepreneurship
Day 1 of diet:
forgot I was on a diet and had a milkshake and fried chicken. Will try again tomorrow.
My son came home hella mad today talking about he told his friends i was a virgin and they told him that was impossible
If you’re ever interested in having a near death experience just tell a girl she’s not hot enough to be that crazy.
Startle and amuse your cat by replacing its kitty litter with Poprocks. (Ladies: feel free to share this idea on your pinny website thing.)
*Invents silent snack packages. *Becomes president of the United States.
Baby, turn it up so I can hear the captions better
My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m getting a little worried about my cake.
I’m so broke that if my girlfriend leaves me for another guy I swear that I’m going with them.
We’ve got two options: clean and vacuum, or stop wearing our glasses around the house.
Me: I’m having a heart attack
My brother: I’ll get the defibrillator
Me (grabbing his arm): no, get it now
5yo after licking my face: “Sorry. My mouth meant to kiss you but my brain told me to lick you.”
Your house is not haunted, there’s a raccoon in your attic. And that is much, much worse.
“Press the cube root of the 11th digit of pi divided by .5 and doubled if you’d like to speak with a customer service representative.”
Please stop saying “There are plenty of fish in the sea”. I’m sick of having sex with fish!!
Have to get my driver’s license renewed today, so naturally I spilt coffee on my shirt.