@Manda_like_wine: Always buy 'hand wash only' shirts whenever you want to wear something once and then throw it into a 'hand wash only' basket for 15 years.
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@UncleDuke1969: Daughter: Here you go! Me: You're my favorite. Son: Yesterday, you said I was your favorite! Me: Yesterday, you were closest to the remote.
@dafloydsta: [buying a wood chipper] ME: So does blood splatter everywhere when a body goes in? SALESMAN: What? ME: What?
@VeganZebra: Me: Let's go to Chipotle Justin: Hold on. My leg is asleep Me: *whispering* Oh, sorry. Let's go to Chipotle