Always buy ‘hand wash only’ shirts whenever you want to wear something once and then throw it into a ‘hand wash only’ basket for 15 years.
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me: i can’t believe you cheated on me
him: phew! I was worried you’d believe it
As a chemistry teacher, Walter White was dedicated to the scientific methhead.
my kid climbed into the tub fully naked and still I found leaves in there after
My car broke down today. It confessed to a series of hit-and-run murders back in 2006.
notice
My wife is listening to an ad about chainsaws. I’m worried.
*licks lips*
Me: “Do that thing I like babe.”
Him: *orders pizza*
Welcome to your fifties. You need to try on belts before you buy them now.
[band comes out for encore] DO YOU WANNA HEAR ONE MORE
crowd: YAAAAAHHHH
me: GETTING KINDA LATE GUYS
Dad: People overcome adversity all the time. Look at Beethoven. They told him he was deaf, but did he listen?
Me: *never blinks again*
I have a very particular set of skills, skills I acquired over a long career. Skills that – ugh hold on
*covers phone*
MOM I’M ON THE PHONE!
I treat people the way I would like to be treated and that is why I will never give you driving directions that start with Go east.
Women on Twitter who boast about the crumbs they catch in their bras have no idea how much food I can carry around in my turban.
5yo: We should get her two gifts
Me: One gift for your friends birthday is fine.
5yo: Okay, okay, okay, we will just get her two then.
Everybody at this Home Depot is getting hurricane supplies except this one woman is buying the 12 foot skeleton
Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.
Husband: Wow! The house looks amazing. We should invite ppl over more often so you keep it this clean.
I’m going to need help writing his obituary.
Thanks, meeting venue that turns off the AC in the restrooms–I love emerging from taking a dump looking like I just ran a marathon!
I’m really sorry you figured out my tweet was directed squarely at you, person I’ve never interacted with or thought about before.
Teaching 19 to cook, clean, and do laundry so if he ever gets married his wife won’t divorce him and make him my responsibility again.
“This isn’t working out,” I insist to my girlfriend as we glide effortlessly downhill on her tandem bicycle.
I put up Diwali lights, and can’t wait to flex on other dads by telling them I’m all set for Christmas
Police officer: You get to make one phone call.
Me: Do I have to?
And now for my next trick, I’ll turn your root canal into a ski vacation
Me: what?
My dentist: what?
I can’t be the only one who hears “see you soon” as a threat.
Some women complain that their husbands aren’t observant, not me. I’ve been wearing a new ruby ring (that my husband doesn’t know he bought me) for 3 days now and I’m thrilled he hasn’t noticed.
I’m on a roof fixing gutters. If I was on roofies, I’d be in a gutter. HAHAHAH I’M SO FUNNY!
Expecting your first baby’s exciting but have you ever ordered a new coffee machine?
Time is precious, waste it wisely.
*first day as a hair stylist
“STOP SCREAMING ABOUT THE BLOOD! THAT’S WHY WE PUT THE APRON ON YOU!”