“It’s cold!”, “Happy birthday!”, “I’m so blessed”, “Political rant!”… There, now you don’t have to go to Facebook today. You’re welcome.
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HOT GIRL: When I think someone is hot, I just agree with literally anything they sayME: That’s interesting
HOT GIRL: No it isn’t
My son had to pick his towel up off the floor today. Apparently he’s forced to do everything around here.
The Discovery Channel should be on a different channel every day
I bet Harvard is pretty pissed it doesn’t have a comma named after it.
Greatest villain Gotham city was its city planner cuz I get folks need jobs but come on. Who zones many deadly toxic chemical factories in the middle of dense populated city. And also out for drain to go directly into the River system.
My favorite state to visit?
Unconsciousness
experienced cop: it’s ok kid, you get used to it
millennial rookie cop, retching near murder scene: the coffee you brought was not artisanal
That awkward moment when the poltergeist in the TV calls you by the wrong name.
I got a car wash 5 days ago and it hasn’t rained yet. Who broke the weather?
My car broke down today. It confessed to a series of hit-and-run murders back in 2006.
Gravity is just the earth being really clingy
[rubs lamp]
[genie appears]
genie: you have three—
me: incredible! i can’t believe my luck!
genie: seconds
me: what
genie: two
me: until what
genie (pulling out a gun): one
Me to 19 year old child: What did you order on YouTube for $20?
19: I don’t want to tell you.
Me: Was it porn?
19: It’s worse.
Me: What was it?
19: Beverly Hills Chihuahua 1 and 2
😆😆😆
Banned from Yelp for including “the rat seems to be vulnerable to attacks from behind or when adjusting mask” in my Chuck E Cheese review
“Sometimes I feel like a woman trapped in a woman’s body” – Russian nesting doll
My wife took me to the most amazing 3D movie I had ever seen last night. Half way through it I realized: we were at a play.
*I gently close front door
Dog: Where have you been?? I was worried sick about you! See that vomit on the floor? That’s because of you!
12: Alexa is so annoying! I have to say everything 5 times before she does what I want her to do.
Me, looking at the full garbage that I asked my son to take out 4 times: I know the feeling.
“Wheres the goddamn pizzas?”
Me: Check the pizza tracker.
*bends down, touches ground*
“A pizza will walk here before the moon is full.”
Eels, the slap bracelets of the sea.
Just gave my next door neighbor a giant bag of candy to dump in my sons trick or treat bucket on Halloween so I can go home after one house.
Hospitals make mistakes with newborns, so before bringing yours home, check by rubbing its belly. If it curls in and bites you, that’s a cat
Me, at a Renaissance Fair: Well actually, that type of staff is inappropriate for the type of wizard you are portraying.
I’m doing it doggy style today. Lying on the couch not doing a damn thing. I will bark if you knock on the door.
Crossover ideas
– 50 Shades of Grey’s Anatomy
– Tiger King and I
– Orange is the New Black Mirror
– Captain Marvellous Mrs Maisel
– Breaking Bad Boys
ME WATCHING OLYMPIC EVENT: “Holy shit that was amazing!”
COMMENTATOR: “Ooh, that was not good at all. He must really be upset with himself.”
Hell hath no fury like a 4 year old whose sandwich has been cut into squares when he wanted triangles.
If dolphins are so smart how come I managed to trick one into investing all its savings in my phoney pyramid scheme?
People should come with disclaimers like:
May cause drowsiness or
Will end up sleeping w/your bf or
May induce homicidal ideations
“Nobody will embarrass the UFC more than Jon Jones”
Conor McGregor-“Hold my beer bro”