Online piracy is bad, one time I downloaded a boat
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This lady was being so rude to me in the grocery line so rather than say anything to her, I invited everyone behind her to go ahead of me. Today, I had time.
Me: This milk tastes funny
Lactating clown: Thank you
Would bet there’s a math equation that can tell how many kids a person has by measuring the amount of Cheerios on the floor of their car …
i don’t miss calls i stare at them
*bark*
“What’s that Lassie?”
*bark bark*
“Timmy’s stuck in a loveless marriage with an overly critical wife?”
*bark*
“Ooh, dinnertime.”
“No more self-deprecating tweets,” I whisper fatly.
interviewer: can you work overtime?
me: *nodding* and space
My ex just followed me on Twitter.
That said:
“Say hello to Hitler for me, Mary.”
*BLOCKED*
Pro tip: never tell a three-year-old that you’re going to Disney unless you plan on leaving that very second.
Wait for it. (You won’t regret it).
the only thing i remember about my school’s gifted program was learning about whales.
what was it about whales that the other kids weren’t ready for? the mystery haunts me to this day.
My kid just put me in time out and I was just like oh no, I better think real hard about what I’ve done and take a nap
him: anything to declare
me: i don’t really like soup
everyone else in customs: [GASP]
Game developer: his name is Donkey
Nintendo: nice
Developer: he’s a gorilla
Nintendo: ok twist
Developer: who wears a necktie
Nintendo: hm anything else? pants?
Developer: how would a gorilla put on pants?
Nintendo: right, yeah I wasn’t thinking
Nothing says disinterest more than The Flash being late for a Justice League meeting
Welcome to adulthood. Every time you login now, it’s a game of “Will I get into my account the first time” or “Will I be spending the rest of my life sitting here resetting my password forever.”
The look of dismay on my dog’s face tells me nothing is as unfair to dogs as when they’re chasing a bird and the bird flies off.
Me, to my dog who is throwing up at the dog park: Bro, you are being so cringe in front of your friends.
My 4yo picked up a toy and put it away without being asked, and I just stared at her like she was a woodland animal I didn’t want to scare.
*my wife opens my sock drawer & sees that it’s filled with bite sized candy bars. she looks over at me*
did you go trick or treating again last night?
If an Orange tries to sell you drugs, don’t buy them. Chances are you’ve already done enough drugs.
Dracula: I vant to suck your blood!
Me, a waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Dracula: *sighing* I guess.
“Better safe than sorry,” I say, as I key my phone number into the side of his car
They told me it was love at first sight during their divorce proceedings.
– Reasons why I drink
[Bedroom]
Him: *Panting* I swear I usually last much longer than that
Her: Sure you do
Him: Time me *holds breath again*
math teacher: I said to bring your protractor to class
boy with cowboy hat: I’m just a good old fashioned country boy, I ain’t need nothin fancy, this simple tractor should do the job just fine ma’am
My kid made up a song that goes “I love you and would do anything for you except clean” like some kind of 7yo Meat Loaf
it’s sundress season and i have several dresses with pockets and and if you don’t think i’m gonna use them to carry spicy chicken nuggets and mini babybels, you are mistaken
if I were a pediatrician I’d break the ice with new patients by having the receptionist call my phone 3 minutes into the appointment and saying “look, Mrs Johnson, I run a busy practice- for the last time NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”
It’s called crossfit because you’re really mad that you’re doing it