always carrying a megaphone in case you have to sigh at someone far away
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Her: what was that about?
Me: I read somewhere if a bear comes too close you should piss yourself to ward him off
Her: at the zoo tho?
My dog turns sleeping on the edge of the bed into an extreme sport
people that brag about not eating processed foods like, okay??? what are you eating when you’re depressed? a carrot? we’re all dying, grow up and eat a hot dog from the street like the rest of us, pathetic
I really don’t care where y’all are located, my brother was last seen on the Westbank in the Westwego area. My baby is missing and I need everyone’s eyes because I cannot see by myself. This is the time I need all of my prayer warriors 😔 please help me find my brother
I put the h in mysterious.
Answering every phone call, text and email today with,
“NOT TODAY, SATAN, NOT TODAY”!
[first day as a surgeon]
me: do you have any questions?
patient: how often do people die during this surgery?
me: just once
My swear jar is overflowing with IOUs that no bank will guarantee.
OB-GYN: Ever consider having kids?
Me: *remembers the time I heard some man tell a little girl to smile & she told him to die* Just once.
2-year-old: *points to my belly* Baby!
Me: Yep, there’s a baby in there! Will you love it?
2: I eat it.
Well that escalated quickly.
Lassie once told me a boy fell down a well, but since no one else can speak dog I ignored it because I was building a furniture fort.
I let an AT&T Customer Service Representative call me Brenda for a half hour because I was too embarrassed to correct him
Dear every guy that works out excessively, the sun is out! NOW is your moment! It was all worth it! Take that shirt off and walk around!!
3-year-old: I need a scarf.
Me: No, you don’t.
3: To tie up bad guys.
She needs a scarf.
Creator of Etch A Sketch:
We’ll show people drawing murals in the commercial but in reality most people will only be able to draw stairs.
Me: *slides note to bank teller*
Bank Teller: So….you’re not robbing us, you just want to take a selfie with “mad cash” on your face?
The internet and tv at my house are both down, what’s a reasonable amount of time to wait before we start eating people
Sometimes I see people posting astrology memes and go: “Is that what you think you’re like???”
Buffalo Wild Wings: Did you order ahead?
Me: No it was just wings.
HER: my dad hates puns but loves food
ME: got it
HER: dad, this my date
ME: hey papaya yam glad to meat u
HIM: *shakes then crushes my hand*
*strips buck naked*Buck: Give me back my clothes !
Self-knowledge is a purple vegetable. Beetroot yourself.
In my day, Frozen 2 would’ve been released directly to VHS with a new Olaf who sounds weird, and we would’ve been GRATEFUL.
I found toothpaste on my comb, door and pet tortoise and now I’m reconsidering teaching my child about good oral hygiene.
Sometimes I like to purchase every item on a person’s Amazon wish list for myself and then let them know I’m living their best life
How come I have to do all this work and you do nothing all day?
– my 8yo while doing one chore
My dog’s dinner: premium organic grain-free no salt or sugar GM free 80% meat 20% veg
My dinner: Haribo
Hey, my girlfriend and I noticed you from across the room. Are you gonna finish your fries
Genie: i will give you 3 wishes
Me: okay i’ll take 3 dolphins
Genie: i said wishes, not fishes
Me: dolphins are mammals idiot
Our dog snores so loud we had to rename him Grandpa