always carrying a megaphone in case you have to sigh at someone far away
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her: why are u breaking up with me
me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
My kids didn’t follow me into the bathroom so now I’m scared to leave and find out what they got into instead
Guy next to me at Mariners game didn’t stand for national anthem. Unpatriotic bastard. I should push his wheelchair down the stairs.
The only cat like reflex I possess is turning and staring at the wall when you talk to me.
Make every hug more interesting by mysteriously whispering, “the Dark Lord stands at the crossroads
I have AirPods now, the next step is somehow staying rich and staying humble
*11pm*
me: Good night
brain: Good night
*11:05pm*
brain: SCARAMOUCHE, SCARAMOUCHE, WILL YOU DO THE FANDANGO?
Me: 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶
Friend: Cry
Me: *crying* 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶
Husband: Stop introducing me as your first husband.
On a recent tour of my son’s college, the guide walked us up 5 flights of steep stairs because she didn’t think the 4 of us should share an elevator. I’m pretty sure the extreme shortness of breath my husband and I had, at the top, confirmed her concern for protecting our heath.
If that earthquake had waited three days we would have a whole new major religion by now
When I miss my parents I put 12 expired salad dressings in my fridge and it feels like home
Any dogs trainers on this app? How do I train my dog to make margaritas?
My sons having a few friends stay over tonight
Hockey mask *check
Chainsaw *checkHopefully this will be the last sleepover for a while
My ex sexually identifies with Ramen noodles, he’s done in 3 minutes
Me: Can I order the conch fritters please?
Waitress: The “ch” is pronounced like a “k”
Me: Okay Bick.
ariana grande getting engaged to a non-famous person is really inspiring me to get engaged to a famous person
Sarah Palin isn’t racist. Some of her white friends’ best white friends have white friends who vaguely know someone who is black.
ME: i’m gonna join the army
HEAD SURGEON: we say reattach the humerus
I just danced in front of my cat and he yawned.
True story.
“It’s about coming of age in an insane asylum built on a space station designed like a haunted castle theme park, while a rival galaxy leader time travels to learn ghost battle techniques, and a rogue viral plagued prison planet is pinballing towards Earth.” ~me pitching a novel
me: I would sell my soles for some chocolate right now
devil: done! wait, what the h-
me: no takebacksies
devil: *holding a pair of sensible flats* damnit
ME: [inflating second “E” balloon]
WIFE: Are you sure you know how to spell happy birthday?
[magicians backstage] don’t panic guys but I think we really just sawed that woman in half
Start yelling “DON’T FORGET!” when saying goodbye to people so that they panic about what they’re supposed to be remembering
Of all the things the Internet has lied to me about, the ease and enthusiasm with which a cat will ride a Roomba is the biggest.
6: Why don’t you juice oranges for me anymore?
Me: You broke my juicer.
6: When I juiced that play dough?
M: yep
[ 25 years after my dad went to the store for smokes ]
Me: why did you abandon us?
Him: sorry. I went to CVS and the receipt just finished printing.
1997: Skynet becomes self-aware
2029: T-1s are sent to kill Sarah Connor
2034: Warranty expires on T-1s. 99% of them break down within hours
If you added too much cornstarch I feel bad for you hon
I got 99 problems, but a bisque ain’t one