@LackOfShame: Always get double toppings on take out pizza so you can eat one of the toppings off as an appetizer during your drive home.
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@Florescience: *At funeral* "Your Mom is so fat" I said eulogy, not roast. "oh right, I'm sorry. Your mom WAS so fat..."
@MrsMikePatton: If you were to send a werewolf to the moon, would he become a werewolf permanently?
@kashmir_lover1: Autocorrect changed Friend to Fiend but sleeping with a Fiend with Benefits is actually a little more exhilarating