@LackOfShame: Always get double toppings on take out pizza so you can eat one of the toppings off as an appetizer during your drive home.
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@mortimermaiden: [restaurant] Manager: You're fired. Me: Why?! Manager: You're a bad waiter. Me: *sitting with a family waiting for their food* I disagree.
@weinerdog4life: The cops say I have to stop trying to fist fight the guy who tries to feed my house letters everyday.
@daemonic3: WIFE: [walks in on me trying on Victoria's Secret] OMG ME: It's not what you think! [shows receipt] They were on sale WIFE: Oh thank God