Always get double toppings on take out pizza so you can eat one of the toppings off as an appetizer during your drive home.
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I haven’t used algebra in 3x-q years
Grapefruit – for when you want your food to taste like getting beaten up
For a mountain to be called Kilimanjaro, it needs to kill at least 1 manjaro.
A spider crawled across my leg while I was driving and of course that fucker survived the crash.
‘How many lights do you wanton?”
“It’s too bright, can you dimsum?”
~ Chinese chefs setting the mood.
If you think you could never kill a person you just haven’t met the right one
My son just let a girl “borrow” his hoodie.
Should I tell him now or let him learn?
You know what really makes me smile?
Fascial muscles.
My son has a shirt that says, “my dad can beat up your dad,” and honestly I don’t like the pressure
The easiest way to tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile is to say goodbye and see how it responds.
Mad at your man? Five minutes before he gets home, turn on “Pitch Perfect” then hide the remote in the dishwasher.
ROMEO:But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks?
ME:Well if you’d just sod off like I asked, I wouldn’t have to throw lamps at you.
Sex so good the neighbors make you sandwiches.
perseus is an idiot, he brought a sword to beat medusa. that’s literally trying to beat rock with scissors
Spice up your anxiety attack by playing the Jaws theme song.
I hope one of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse is single.
While in restaurants as a kid, my parents would pay by credit card in a machine that looked like it could take your finger off
My dog is in a music video so needless to say he has accomplished more in life than I have.
I don’t dance. Unless it’s for money.
There’s a good time and a bad time to share feedback with your wife about things that have been weighing on you, like your inner most desires, hopes or just tightening lids better.
There’s also a horrible time.
Wife: *on hands and knees cleaning up a half a gallon of ranch*
This Venn guy was sure bad at drawing circles next to each other
*pulls pristine, luscious lips out of an ornate golden box*
“Actually, THIS is the mouth I kiss my mother with”
sphinx: answer my riddle correctly or die
me: 27
sphinx: but i haven’t asked the question…
me: [laying my head under her paw] we gonna do this or what?
yes, those are my real potatoes.
breaking news! ufo caught on tape!!!!!
Find out if they really listen to you by occasionally replacing please and thanks with squeeze and yanks.
What woman say right before they kill you:
Wow.
Fine.
Whatever.
No problem.
I’m not mad.
Nothing’s wrong.
Sure, stay friends with your ex.
Wife: I didn’t buy the shirt because it was too crepey
Me: Creepy?
W: Crepey
M: Crappy?
W: Crepey!
M: Oh, okay…
W: You have no idea, do you?
*uses Ouija board*
NEW PHONE WHO DIS
Apparently, RSVPing to a wedding invitation with “maybe next time” is wrong.
I know that now…