[God creating teenagers]
What’s the most expensive way to be ignored?
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it’s not abuse if the substance likes it.
What if your dog speaks French and this whole time has been asking you for some beef?
Me: *rolling up a dollar bill for my coke*
Date: holy shit you can’t do that in here
Me: but I can’t drink it without a straw
Me: I’ve always been good at cosmetology. I have a nose for it.
Mortician: Please put that back.
Pan Left To Soak Now Predates All Current Roommates
What I say: It’s time to get dressed.
What My Kid Hears: It’s time to perform a Christmas Concert in your room.
My 3 year old is singing the rare 19 hour version of “Let It Go”, using only 3 words.
[Spelling bee]
Judge: “Your word is unhelpful.”
Kid: “Can you use it in a sentence please?”
Judge: “Nope.”
Eat food with the fridge open in front of the other food to establish dominance as well as prepare for the next feeding.
Hate it when dudes say “leave something to the imagination!” like what do you think is under my clothes? a mystery prize? a pumpkin? Obama?
A faceplant is the ultimate fusion cuisine
me: the grinch robbed me! I woke up to iron my christmas jeans—
whoville 911: what was that
me: the grinch robbed me
whoville 911: no the weird part
Autocorrect changed “bible” to “bourbon” and that should tell you everything you need to know about me
18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
As I told my 4 year old it was bed time she turned herself into a sloth and started walking really slow. So yes kids test your patience.
Rebranding demon possession as a cure for loneliness.
It may snow in Atlanta so I just bought 47 loaves of bread and now I’m headed out to the interstate so I can get stranded in a good spot.
Sometimes when I look into the sky I get overwhelmed with emotion and eat the nearest entire tree and everything living in that tree
What idiot called it a cow video instead of a bovine?
I didn’t hit him with my car…
I massaged him with my wheels.
Netflix: Watch it again
Me: No! I have things to do, people to talk to, and I haven’t been outside in 3 days
Netflix: Watch it again
Me: ok
[interview]
What’s your greatest weakness?
ME: Probably avoiding tough questions
Can you elaborate on that?
ME: Oh hey look at the time!
I couldn’t believe it that my child seemed to be more receptive than normal when I asked her what she did at school yesterday. Happy to be asked even. Then she said.
“Things. We did things”
THE 3 PEOPLE IN EVERY CHIPOTLE LINE:
– guy ordering for his whole office who takes forever
– white lady who’s never been there before and doesn’t like spicy food. ends up getting a bowl of white rice and chicken
– guy who leans over sneeze-guard and is shouty about his order
My laughing hysterically at Tom & Jerry cartoons is always tempered by me knowing that my wife is next to me wondering where her life went wrong.
The best revenge is a life lived well or cyanide in their coffee.
I just got unfollowed by a woman that just started following me yesterday, so I guess I just had my first one night stand on twitter.
Every machine is a smoke machine if you operate it wrong enough.