Always keep an axe by the front door so I can give the other Jehovah something awesome to witness.
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[garage sale]
ME: can I leave my children as collateral
LADY: you haven’t bought anything
Judas: The one I kiss is Jesus Christ.
Soldier: You can just point to him.
Judas: (putting on lip-balm) I don’t tell you how to do your job.
INTERVIEWER: So, do you have any questions for me?
ME: What’s the Wi-Fi password?
I: About the job
M: What is the company Wi-fi password?
In high school, one of my friends was a mormon who wanted to have twins named Idaho and Udaho, and I think about that a lot
when you’re the new kid at school and you accidentally sit down at the “cool kids” table
I hate being an adult … I thought it was just a phase.
At the beginning of a long plane ride, I like to ask my husband why he loves me. His frantic look for an escape hatch entertains me.
I prefer doing arithmetic naked. Means I can count to 21.
Me (a masseur): *applying oil*
Client: Aren’t you supposed to put that on me?
friendly reminder that someone having a different opinion about a movie than you is a direct attack on you as a person and you should take it very personally
Hate being a funeral director
“why’d u take the job?”
I inherited it from my dad
“You could’ve just declined it”
And lose my first customer?
The year is 2027. Voice to text is flawless. A young child points at a bird and says, “Duck”. His mother slaps him.
One fist-bump from a cool black dude is worth 5 years of my parents loving me.
“Baby, you know I’m drunk.”
Cop: “I need you step out of the vehicle.”
Forgot to pack tights so I’m wearing yoga pants with my dress and a long sweater. I look like a crazy cat lady.
When I get bored on a Zoom meeting, I put a cursor under the speaker’s nose to make it look like they have a booger.
My daughter made handmade Christmas cards for friends and family. She decided to abbreviate some of the words to make the work go faster. Instead of writing “I made this for you” her cards read “I made this f you”. I’d correct her but it seems like the perfect 2020 sentiment.
I was very disappointed when I found out drinking alcohol doesn’t actually kill brain cells, I was hoping to join a political party one day.
Just opened a collision repair
shop called “Auto Correct.”
I’m a model citizen, just a tiny, fake replica of an actual citizen.
I still remember the childhood pain of having to wear a sweater over my Halloween costume, so don’t say I don’t know tragedy.
“does this spark joy?” but with phone contacts.
The 2nd amendment gives us the right to bear arms and the 8th amendment gives us the right to horse legs
One day I’d like to be able to exit a room without everyone simultaneously exclaiming “dear god, what just happened”
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
Just took a bite out of a rotisserie chicken like I was bobbing for apples
I picked my nephew up from school & I asked him “how was school?” This boy gonna say “Why you ask me that everytime you see me, you never went to school?”
My new dentist called me back in to make another mold of my teeth. Needless to say he made a terrible 1st impression.
Those stupid stress balls don’t work!!!… I just ate one, and it got stuck in my throat… And now, I’m more stressed than before!!!
As my mom finishes up cutting up my steak for me, I can’t help but notice that my date looks upset.