Always keep your head up and stand proud! That way your double chin won’t show in your pictures.
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Cabin 1: *coughs
Cabin 2: What’s the matter with him?
Cabin 3: Cabin Fever.
Sometimes marriage is about love & compromise other times it’s about letting the garbage get so full & seeing who will cave first.
I packed a picnic lunch. Meet me by the abandoned ferris wheel at Chernobyl. I’ve heard glowing reviews.
Ice Ice Baby, Ice Ice Baby
All right stop, Collaborate and listen
This frozen baby needs to see a physician
I pan fried chicken tonight.
On another completely unrelated note: the firemen in my town are gorgeoussssss.
SON: How are monster trucks made?
ME: Son, when a monster and a truck love each oth-
GF: [glares]
ME: He’s old enough for the facts, Jane
My Fitbit isn’t accurate when I hold my kid’s hand or push a cart, so I put it on my ankle to get that sexy house arrest look
*i open my briefcase, take out a picture of a block of velveeta cheese & slide it across the table to my financial manager*
how can i purchase one of these?
I accidentally used my mom’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here
“Oh my god Harvey, you have GOT to see this bathroom.”
Let’s all just take a moment to appreciate the dedicated men and women of this great nation who sacrifice their evenings to deliver pizzas.
Remember being young and having your whole life in front of you? Now my back hurts most days and I get unreasonably angry when a car engine is too loud.
wow he looks just like him
Tsunamis are caused by dolphins breakdancing to celebrate passing another IQ test.
For a good party trick, drill a hole in the top of your medicine cabinet and fill it with marbles before you invite people over.
My daughter had two Barbies arguing and now one of them is getting a haircut, so I think we all know who won that argument.
Her: You know I love it when you pull my hair…
Me: Yes, baby
Her: But the other people at this PTA meeting are beginning to stare.
Our tree caught on fire we threw it outside and the dog dragged it back into the House
CINDERELLA: were you always my fairy godmother
FAIRY GODMOTHER: yes, always
CINDERELLA: so you watched my stepmother horribly mistreat me for years and did nothing
FAIRY GODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA:
FAIRY GODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA:
FAIRY GODMOTHER: look what i can do to this pumpkin
therapist: why do you do that
me: ummm i don’t know babe u tell me
if you count cows instead of sheep to try and fall asleep it’s probably pasture bedtime (i’m so sorry)
I almost drowned trying to swim today. The security guard didn’t even care he just told me to get the hell out of the mall fountain.
Thank god that racist basketball guy showed up or we’d still be talking about how we’re not finding that airplane.
hey Disney-Pixar here’s an idea maybe make a movie where the daughter ACTUALLY LISTENS TO HER FATHER
To me the most romantic part about having a crush on someone is when instead of just telling them, your anxiety just makes you act increasingly more unhinged in conversation until you both hate you 🥰🥰🥰
*CAN’T OPEN THE PICKLE JAR*
SHERLOCK: (suspiciously) Moriarty…
My wife and I spell out words so our toddler won’t understand what we’re saying, but we both spell like shit so we can’t understand what we’re saying either.
How many coffees before I stop looking for shirts in my refrigerator
Scientists at the Federal Helium Reserve indicate they’re storing a billion cubic meters of helium gas. It’s a lot funnier when they say it.
I like how all these people are acting like they’ve never seen a naked 37 year old man fight 3 security guards at a mall food court before.