@Maxine12333: Always keep your head up and stand proud! That way your double chin won't show in your pictures.
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@moooooog35: Me: What do you want for breakfast? Kids: EGGS! BACON! WAFFLES! CHOCOLATE CHIP PANCAKES! Me: Let me rephrase. Who wants toast?
@cepheusjackson: ME: *brings my mom to a knife fight* MOM: *shouting* use your words! MOM: *chasing knife fighters away with a broom* I know your mothers!
@HatfieldAnne: This is the year I declare war on harmless euphemisms. First up: “It defies physics.” No, it doesn't. Nothing does.
@ChaseMit: I think police forgot which organized group of white dudes with shaved heads they are.