@DanteEvilCat: "Always leave them wanting more" is my new mantra when paying bills...
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@TheDairylandDon: I swallow at least one note per meal that says "we're all really proud of you," in case the person who does my autopsy is having a bad day.
@sarcasm_inc: [interview after losing a fight] "What happened out there?" I dont kn-OMG WHAT IS THAT *interviewer doesnt look* Ugh didnt work on u either
@50NerdsofGrey: 'Tell me you want me' he ordered. 'I want you' she said. 'Now tell me you need me.' 'I need you' she sighed. She hated calling tech support.
@Sickayduh: Good cop: WHAT ARE YOU DOING - HE WAS UNARMED Dog cop: *plants a vacuum cleaner on body*