Always live on the bottom floor it’s further from heaven and harder for God to see you sinning
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God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then
Imagine any 5 white people walking up to you being like “we’re imagine dragons” . You have no choice but to believe them.
Just a warning if you’re buying a watch on Amazon. I learned the hard way that if it says you can swim with it, this only applies if you can already swim without it.
Be right back. My son who’s slitting enemy throats in “Call of Duty” is screaming for me to kill a centipede.
do british flat earthers say the world is apartment?
Boss: Dan why is your hand raised?
Me: can I go to the bathroom?
Boss: Dan you’re 23. This is a business meeting
Me: so that’s a yes?
My husband got new earbuds. Think I’ll skip the middle man and put them straight in the washing machine.
Once my school teacher lectured me for unacceptable behaviour. That’s 30 mins of sleep I am never getting back
A number of people involved in the violence at the U.S. Capitol on January 6 are still at large. Help the #FBI apprehend them. If you recognize this individual, submit a tip to When you leave a tip, reference photo 223.
People always say “unceremoniously fired” like it ever happens any other way. I’d like to see a big ceremony for firing somebody. Get the gang together. Order a cake. Wear some special robes.
Just had lunch with my 3rd grader at her school. She got embarrassed when I tried to kiss her. So, like any good mom, I started twerking.
Returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.
If it’s in a bowl and it’s before lunch time then technically it’s cereal.
-5 asking for chips for breakfast
I got plans this weekend. Release the sundresses!!!!
The Grammy performers prove that no matter age, sex, race, religion or looks, I have no idea who most them are.
My favorite bra broke and now I feel like there’s no one left to support me.
I found a five dollar bill in the laundry and my credit rating went up 12 points.
The wife is out of town so you know what that means. That’s right, unsupervised eating.
[commercial]
“Is there a dull film on your dishes?”
Me: [looking closely] Holy shit is that The English Patient?
I heard my cat walking down the hall because his claws are too long. Then I realized I hadn’t taken off his tap shoes since the photo shoot.
Keep your friends close and that one chick with a great beachfront condo closer.
My friends are fully aware that our designated meeting times are rough estimates.
What’s the smallest amount of money you would reach into a toilet to get? Mine is a skittle.
Drank enough whiskey to talk the husband into a Titanic reenactment. He’s laying in the snow and I won’t share the picnic table with him.
16: ‘What’s an inheritance tax?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to be concerned about.’
Michael Cera, in a public restroom, pinned to the opposite wall by the force of the hand-dryer.
Wife: “Are you ok? You look exhausted.”
Me: “I saw one of those silica gel packs that says ‘Do Not Eat’ 4 days ago & I’m starving to death”
*visits random websites just for the cookies*
“Nice one.”
– me to my son, who is just learning to write numbers