Always love a woman for her personality. They have like 10, so you can choose.
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[on quiz show]
“and if you won some money today keith, what would you do with it?”
*leans way too close into the microphone*
spend it alex
Roses are red,
Daisies are free.I’ll never forget you,
It burns when I pee.
If you’re a Mormon, and you have a mom, and you haven’t been referring to her exclusively as Mitt Momney…then why the hell are you Mormon?
People are like, “You’re not allowed to have a favorite child.” Blah, blah, blah.
And I’m like, “BUT YOU SHOULD SEE THIS KID SHOVEL SNOW!”
[At vet]
Me: My dog has been throwing up what looks like egg shells.
Vet: What have you been feeding him?
Me: Egg shells.
Surgeon: Appendectomies are tricky, you sure you got this?
Dr. Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: *flings scalpel into ceiling* You bet!
God: U have to build an ark to save the animals from a tsunami
Noah: But you’re god, can’t you just stop the tsunami
God: *loves boats* No
Gonna open a store that sells old books and pasta and call it Barnes & Noodles.
I’m not alone. I have ants.
Teens are like the Magic 8ball of humans, they think they have all the answers & you want to shake them because what they said was stupid.
My dentist is a nice guy but he asks the dumbest questions. Um, yeah, I think I’ve heard of a toothbrush!
Boss: Can you redact the total before sending the statement?
Me: Sure. Right after I look up the word redact.
Why does anyone like period dramas?
They’re bloody awful
“Let’s go round and introduce ourselves”
#SixWordHorror
Asked my 11 y/o daughter if she was excited to be a teenager now that her older sister is 13 and she said, “No, I’m good. Teenagers always look like they want to murder someone.”
#gameofthrones greatest achievement this season: getting us to root for a guy to hook up with a woman we all knew was his aunt.
So when two guys get super friendly it’s bromantic, but what about two girls? Can we make homantic a thing? Or ‘gina buddies or something?
Some woman is out there right now pregnant with Leonardo Dicaprio’s next girlfriend.
Them: What is wrong with you?
Me: How much time do you have?
Like a lioness protecting her cub, but it’s me lunging at the coworker about to nibble on my favourite pen.
nurse: how do you rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it
A burrito so good, a Mariachi band is playing outside the bathroom stall at work the next day.
I’ve just realised, there really is a staircase behind our sofa.
All these years I’ve been laughing when my wife walked down it.
“Cute shoes! What material is that? Can I feel them?”
– I say, reaching under the bathroom stall
HIM: I’m sorry I spilled my drink, I ruined your jacket.
FIRST GUY TO WEAR A REVERSIBLE JACKET: *Trying very hard to contain excitement* Actually, you didn’t.
*kidnapping Beyoncé* got your Knowles
Why do people leave mattresses on the side of the road? Do they really think someone will take it? Do you think I should wash it first?
Fun fact: If Celine Dion sang only the vowels in her name, it would be the lyrics to Old McDonalds Farm.
Her: *hands me her baby*
Me: *drops it*
Her:
Me: So, is there like a five second rule or…?