Always love it when Members of Congress say they disagree w/ intel community’s analysis. Like having your plumber review your root canal.
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What if this “alert” was just Americans being called in from recess?
Enough of your nonsense, nap time.
Imagine being in a band with Freddie Mercury and thinking “maybe I’ll sing this next one”
Good morning!
Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.
Me: Uses all fours to walk up a flight of stairs.
When angered, the female can text message at speeds of up to 1,600 words per minute.
I’m just gonna say it. I’d smurf Smurfette.
Familiarity with a stranger might mean they’re an old soul you knew in a former life.
But it’s more likely a sociopath.
~Inspirational
Don’t frighten the programmers!
Confuse future archaeologists by burying human bones as if they’re riding dinosaur skeletons into battle.
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
Vote for me and I promise to make fast food places put menus in a place where you can figure out what you want BEFORE you get to the window.
Introducing – Paragraphica! 📡📷
A camera that takes photos using location data. It describes the place you are at and then converts it into an AI-generated “photo”.See more here:
or try to take your own photo here:
The local diner is now selling rolls of toilet paper displayed in the glass case alongside their pie, which is really confusing.
Unless you’ve ever eaten their pie.
this was pretty cool, thanks @funTweeters. means a lot!
Are there Jewish exorcisms? Where the demon comes out, and just tells you to call your mother?
*robs neighbor’s chicken coop*
*serves poached eggs*
I am thinking of watching a movie with my boyfriend. Can anyone recommend a good boyfriend?
“We’re promoting you to Anchor”
Reporters: 🙂
Sailors: 🙁
[pronounces testosterone like macaroni]
“Pray, love, eat.” — A mantis
Donald Duck can walk around Disney pantless and everyone loves him, but when I do it, it’s “indecent”?
My wife looks for signs I’m cheating, but seriously, who would make a sign?
[job interview]
Him: Do you have any social media accounts?
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
My dog just tracked and successfully located a folium lanceolatum, more commonly known as a leaf.
I’m not saying it was a bad idea to let our 4yo color with markers, but now it looks like our kitchen table was pooped on by a diarrheal unicorn binge-eating fruit loops
narrator: Phoebe outstretches her arms to appear bigger and ward off the door-to-door salesman
Whoever named them “sugar cookies” could’ve tried a little harder.
Girl are you a prescription from my doctor ’cause you might be good for me but I can’t read you at all.
It is a truth universally acknowledged that no two people have the same interpretation of the words “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
That hurricane will bounce as soon as it hits LA because it can’t afford the rent.