Always practice yodeling, suddenly, in a packed elevator.
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Give a man a fish, you feed him for a day.
Give him fish again the second day and he will complain about having to eat the same food everyday.
As the rain pelts down on the window I am simultaneously happy I don’t have to go water the garden and pissed because I just washed the car.
🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶
Me as a lawyer: your honor, stfu cause you wasn’t even there
my friend’s kid asked me if i had any games on phone so i let her text my ex.
Me: Maybe you should slow down on those granola bars. We got 30 yesterday. And there are…4. 4 left.
Husband: This house is a prison.
What’s going on? Why does the internet keep showing me videos of people chopping wood? Did I check a box for wood chopping somewhere?
A dragonfly just landed on my face an I reacted the same way I’d react if an actual dragon had landed on my face.
Apparently I pack an apple in my 5 year old’s lunch so it can get out of the house for a few hours.
What if this “alert” was just Americans being called in from recess?
Enough of your nonsense, nap time.
Our dog came in half-frozen after her walk. I haven’t seen that cat grinning this big since our dog had to wear the cone of shame.
Boss: did I hear you call me a twat?
Me: recently?
When I run into an old friend, and I have no idea what they’ve been up to, I just say, “I love your podcast.” Haven’t been wrong yet.
I wish whitening toothpaste got my teeth as white as the places I drop it on my shirts.
Laziness is a dish best served delivered.
Nobody tell my Fitbit that today’s steps are coming from inside the casino.
Dracula: well? do I have any cavities?
Dentist: *using tiny mirror* hmm I… I can’t tell
Ritually cleansing* the new house
*taking down the previous owner’s live laugh love decals
Hilarious if literal: arms race
Daughter: Daddy, why is the moon following us around?
Me: I probably owe it money like everyone else on the planet
nothing prepares you for when your sweet sensitive gentle eight year old son calls you “bruh” for the first time
HER: you got some in my hair
ME: sorry
HER: and in my eye
ME: my bad
HER: are you sure you’ve painted before
Life got you down? Just remember that you will never be as confused and sad as the friends and relatives of the world’s first clown.
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
BOSS: no
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
I sleep with a water gun near my bed, in case of cat burglar.
son: school just got canceled
me: oh shit what did it do
[Swims out to Sea]
*sees shark*
OH NO!
*dolphins save me*
Thanks dolphins!
*dolphins ask for a tip
[I’m broke]
*they return me to the shark*
[Shopping with $100]
As a child: Look at how much stuff I can buy!
As an adult: Why is this bath towel $15?
In 3rd grade I cheated off my friend Rena’s test because I didn’t know where Washington DC was. Turns out she didn’t know where it was either.