Always remember…. A mirror never lies.
(Fatty)
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And in that moment, the Ninja Turtles realized that in a way, ALL teenagers are mutants.
Attractive women post selfies and refer to themselves as ugly. As a group, if we begin agreeing with them we could stop that shit quick.
I just want to live in a world where stupid people don’t knock on a locked bathroom door shouting, “anyone in there?!”
Me: I’ll cook
Fire department arriving 7mins later: Jesus Christ, again?
Everyone: backing into parking spaces is stupid
Person who backs into parking spaces: the world is not ready for my level of ingenuity
fiancée: I’ve chosen a date for the wedding
me: WHO IS HE
[wife calling make-a-wish foundation]
he says he’s “dying from ennui” does that count
“I don’t know a lot about any of this but I probably should still weigh in with my opinion”
– the voice that I fight in my head
Her: She’s too young for you.
Me: Based on what?
Her: Based on the number of times the Earth has orbited the sun since she was born..
Me:
doctor: i have bad news
me: uh oh
doctor: u have scoobyditis
me: *whispers* ruh roh
Computers are quite simple to explain. You see, they are just like the body. Let’s start with the processor- that’s the brain. The RAM, this I guess is also the brain. Now the hard drive, this too is the brain. The video card is more brain. Ok. I hope this has been helpful.
-Conspiracy theorists: The moon landings were fake.
-Me: I know!!! The moon doesn’t exist.
is it possible to get my dehumidifier to water my houseplants
I do not have a firm grasp on physics but have sketched what I have in my mind, with it strapped to a ceiling fan
Husband: Where is the candy?
Me: What candy?
Husband: The Easter candy.
Me: *stuffing Peeps in my ears as earplugs* I’m going to bed- you need to figure this out.
Me: Do you want to sign up for dance in the fall?
7: Yeah!!
Me: Which classes do you like best?
7: I don’t really like any of them. I just like dance because you get free costumes at the end.
Me:
7:
Me:
7:
Me: *blinks* I’m sorry, did you say free?
“Dave’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Dave from work or Dave who misquotes Disney…?”
[from outside]
“…hakuna banana.”
I hate when I drop my chili cheese dog in my car and then I have to eat my whole car.
Wife: Our 5yo sure is acting like a grown-up lately
Me: Really?
5yo: *walks in* I can’t remember what I came in here for
Me: omg
The best part of Halloween is all the Jehovah’s Witnesses wondering why they’re being given candy.
Some girls look like they’ve barely broken a sweat after hot yoga while I look like a tomato that’s been doused by a fire hose.
Hello, Nationwide Insurance? This chick wants to fight me in the Denny’s parking lot, you’re on my side, right?
there are no buff wizards in Harry Potter, no gym in Hogwarts, no-one does a push-up at any point. I could crack Ron Weasley’s spine like a glowstick
gordon ramsay: we need you to make a twist on an american classic
me [boiling hotdog in baja blast mountain dew]: yes chef
Me: *looking through a telescope*: Wow, the universe is so beautiful
God: *placing hands inside black holes*: Thanksssss, it has pockets
Talking about your ex makes it sound like you’re not over them. Hide their body and move on like a normal person.
Dear Abby,
How long should you feel obligated to date someone after they’ve given you the Heimlich?
A confessional booth but the pastor just complains to you about the last guy.
vaccinated, but claiming unvaccinated for antisocial purposes
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: I use bad words
Interviewer: *laughing* that’s okay, we’re pretty tolerant around here
Me: well that’s extrusively marblous to hear
My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m getting a little worried about my cake.