Always remember the first move in every fight…punch to the balls.
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My dog and I play this game, it’s called What Are You Chewing On Now?… it goes both ways
Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”
A recent study by UN has found dexter to be the no 1 cause for ocean pollution
Have you ever had to call the landlord to ask for some caulk? How would you word that?
Me: *eating a breakfast bowl with turkey sausage and egg whites* hmm only 270 calories
Also me: *sprinkles half a cup of shredded cheese on top* that’s better
Before you ask me to proofread anything, know that I spent 30 years thinking “FAQs” was short for “Facts”.
Can’t, busy teaching a toddler gang signs.
An autocorrect with a pulse is called a wife.
If the Earth was really flat, all the cats would have pushed everything off it by now.
This one’s “Alex”.
BABY BOSS: we need to talk about your work ethic
ME: *covers face with hands*
BABY BOSS: oh guess he’s out for lunch. I’ll talk to him later
every raccoon you see is currently on parole
If I can’t use finger puppets during my acceptance speech, then you can keep your Oscar.
Mechanic: Your car needs new brakes to pass inspection.
Me: Are you sure about that? *slides him a half used $10 Starbucks gift card*
What happens when you retweet a compliment about how humble you are?
Her: [asking about movie I’m watching] Is he her husband?
Me: I’m not sure.
Her: Is that other guy her brother?
Me: Maybe?
Her: Haven’t you been watching this?
Me: Yes, but I didn’t know there would be a test.
Yeah, I experimented in college. I tried beet chips.
I slept like shit.
– how adults say “good morning”
An eel can swim faster than me, but i could probably run faster than an eel. So in a triathlon it would all come down to who is the better cyclist
[i fall down the stairs & break my back]
Me: Siri, call me 911
Siri: okay.. I will call you 911 from now on
Me: haha nice
Siri: thanks 911
Me: I just need some alone time away from the kids
Wife: When?
Me: Between 2 and 5
Wife: Ok
Me: I’ll be back when they’re 6
Me: What’s wrong?
Wifi: You’re obsessed with the internet
Me: Give me one example
Wifi: Look how you’ve spelled wife
If hockey comes back this season we should be allowed to appoint one single fan to watch the games who’s only job is to shout “shoot!” on the power-play and occasionally bang on the glass.
[kid loses screens for not doing chores]
husband: it’s partly my fault he didn’t do them
me: then you can lose screens too
It’s been a few days now but I’m still thinking about this
Protip: Never look up from your breakfast if you hear the words “gruesome discovery” coming from your TV on the morning news.
My teen was complaining he had no clean clothes so I asked him what he thought he should do: “Uh, go buy new clothes?”
Have kids. It’s fun.
I can’t wait to hear Billy Joel’s song about 2020!
People: “I want 2020 to be like the roarin’ twenties!”
Earth: “Alright, infectious disease is spreading.”
People: “No, not like that.”
Earth: “The US stock market is tanking.”
People: “Wait…”
Earth: “LMAO Bars can’t be open anymore.”
Woke up with the sinuses of an English bulldog.