Always stand up for what you believe in, unless what you believe in is sitting down.
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I just want somebody to want me the way my dog wants a bite of my cheeseburger.
[being mugged]
ME: can i keep things of sentimental value?
ROBBER: ok
ME:[pulling things from wallet] my favorite cash…my lucky debit card
LEONARDO DA VINCI: *on street corner* eeey girl! gimme a smile, girl! nah, not that big. make it cryptic, girl, like ‘what is she thinking’
I don’t have time to get to know you
Be cool immediately
As soon as we’re able to go to church again I’m not going.
mood
Back in my day when we found a Pokémon we had to beat it to death with a rotary phone
My favourite part of today was when my kids hugged it out and then checked their backs for kick me signs.
When I die I don’t want a big funeral. I’d just like a few of my close friends to get together and try to bring me back to life…
A Scottish vampire aka a McMorbius
When people write, “your dumb,” maybe it’s not a typo–they just mean stupidity belongs to you. “Here’s your dumb now leave.”
Halloween is the best because it’s the one day my kids go around demanding snacks from everyone else.
Every group chat births a second smaller group chat without the annoying people, and if you think yours doesn’t, I have some bad news
Her: Can I sit down & join you?
Me: Be careful. I’m bad luck.
Her: Oh, no you’re not!
Me: (Sigh) You just sat on some gum…
What’s a good wedding gift that says “Congratulations!” but also subtly says “I really liked your first wife better”?
snowmen are one of the cutest things about humanity tbh. like oh it snowed? why don’t we make a little guy about it
Everyone is so pissed off about the birds that they neglect to notice those eight maids a-milking also came with eight cows a-shitting.
I can’t remember where I parked my car an hour ago but I can recall how stupid I was at 20. Please God erase that memory & bring back my car
I hit my daily fruit intake yesterday by eating all the fruit garnishments in and on my drinks
I get that the mirror in my therapist’s office is symbolic for self-reflection.
But why is it on the ceiling?
And why is his couch a water bed?
“Bjork” would make a great name for a beet-based pork substitute.
Him: I love you so much I want to shout it from the mountaintop
Me: *knows about mountains* Literally no one will hear you up there
My wife likes to tell folks our puppy was “fixed.”
But I just call a spayed a spayed.
It’s too bad you unfollowed me, I was about to propose.
Me: We’re going to get a new ventilation system installed, will make the house much healthier
7: Why is it unhealthy, it’s never even had junk food?
Social experiments where skinny people wear fat suits teach us to be nicer to fat people because it might be a skinny person in a fat suit.
(praying for the first time in a long while and trying to be extra flattering to god): sweetheart,
Bruce Wayne could prevent so much more crime if he just used his vast fortune to buy up all the Gotham tri-state area abandoned chemical plants and dilapidated amusement parks.
Me: Are you mad at me?
Wife: Eventually.
One day I will peel open the plastic film on a yogurt container and not get sprayed in the face with yogurt juice. Today is not that day.