Always the barmaid, never the bar.
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Just a friendly reminder!
Venn
Every Red Hot Chili Peppers song has a part where it sounds like they’re trying to guess words for a crossword puzzle.
“Uh-oh!”
– My toddler, looking me dead in the eye while he feeds his dinner to the dog
I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars.
I’m really glad you can see 80 miles ahead, but the rest of us are blind now!
I like a baked potato because the name is the instructions.
I want to die from natural causes like being murdered by a sunset.
My coworker’s nose is whistling as he breathes and that fact alone should allow me to cop a sweet plea deal for what’s about to happen here
How do I even know this guy is my “boss”. I’ve just been taking his word for it
Hey morons, when in doubt, just spell it “theiyr’re.”
“honey why is our water bill so high?”
*water bill sits there holding a bong*
hahahah duuuude i don’t know man. DORITOS. DO WE HAVE DORITOS?
If only ISIS had kidnapped Liam Neeson’s daughter, none of this would be an issue.
Mom: Cousin Julie works at Google
She marrying a doctor in JuneMe: I got 7 bags of Xmas candy at half price
Mom:-
Me:THAT’S LIKE 50% OFF
[stranded on a desert island]
*finds a message in a bottle*
hey honey, where do we keep the teabags?
Him: My stomach is aching, I knew I shouldn’t have swallowed that rope.
Me: Are you serious?
Him: I shit you knot.
{response at rap battle}
Nice try but my Mom isn’t even flexible so it’s impossible that really took place.
In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.
Maybe all the vampires are always so angry and biting people because they can never eat any lasagne or spaghetti or anything that has garlic in it. Did you ever think about that? No you always think about yourself!
PMS: Hey, I’m not going to be coming around much anymore
ME: Yay!
PMS: Hold up
ME: What?
PMS: You’re on your way to going through the change
ME: Ahh, I’m finally going to become a butterfly
When someone at work asks you what you’re doing this weekend, just pull a lettuce leaf out of your pocket and slowly start licking it.
You know what this healthy salad needs? Stale bread
– the inventor of croutons
Talking vulture: You dead yet? What about now? OK, I’ll wait.
“I enjoy long walks…”
-Zombies
I was working in the yard.
Out of the corner of my eye I saw a snake.
I hit it with a shovel.
I’m happy to report the garden hose is dead
Refrigerators are actually sentient beings, but we keep putting magnets on them, and erasing their memories.
A fun thing to do is comment “that ain’t the girl you were with at the bar the other night” on all my married friends Facebook family photos
synchronized noseblowing
At some point you realize that world peace and inner peace are too much to wish for and ask for an extra piece of pizza instead
in scotland, it’s illegal to be drunk and in possession of a cow. i just want to know how many times this happened before the government had to put their foot down
Him: I’m sorry, socks in bed are kind of a deal breaker
Me: wow
My sock puppet: WOW