@bornmiserable: Always the bridesmaid, never the winner of the office costume party because I keep going as a bridesmaid
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@TheAlexNevil: *looks at fish tank 6: It's part cat and part fish? Me: No it's just a fish *Catfish maintains eye contact while pushing over treasure chest
@aka_fatman: Indiana Jones: [screaming as his hand is crushed under a door] ARRGGHHH! WHY? WHY DID I REACH FOR MY HAT? I OWN SO MANY HATS!!
@R0ckG0d88: My dog can't hear me when I yell at him to stop chewing on my flip flop but he can hear the crinkle of the Dorito bag from 3 counties over.
@ShortSleeveSuit: HR: Alright people, let's be a little more sensitive to Linda bc she's pregnant with child Sally [who is pregnant with a hedgehog]: *sigh*