@Karate_Horse: Always the pallbearer, never the dead guy
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@BlairLoudly: Me: SPIDER! Brain: Nope, fluff. Me: SPIDER! Brain: That is a fly. Me: SPIDER!!! Brain: sigh. That's your hand idiot.
@MKupperman: Tired of rap songs starting with MC going "uhuh uhuh...One two one two...Let's do this..." No. You shoulda been ready when the song started.
@mrjohndarby: [city marathon] ME *handing out drinks to the passing runners*: DRINK? RUNNER *grabs drink from me*: THANKS ME *chasing*: SO WHAT ARE WE?
@notacroc: Wife: y is a penguin w an umbrella in the- Me:*points to dog dressed as batman* so Bark Wayne isnt bored W: M: he needs an arch enemy, Karen