@Karate_Horse: Always the pallbearer, never the dead guy
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@dumbbeezie: Give a man a fish he'll eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and you'll have to fix the washing machine yourself with YouTube videos
@CM2BTTHD: Our dog runs away so much, I'm just going to spray paint our phone number on her side.
@Epygma: [Dads birthday] "Make a wish Dad" *Dad blows out candles *Looks around *Looks @ wife Where did our son go? -What son? *Dad cries with joy