*always thought ‘copulation’ was the amount of police officers in a given country.
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I jump out in front of you and open my trenchcoat, but I’m fully clothed. I start showing you the kittens I keep in the pockets. Are they wearing their own tiny raincoats? Heck yeah they are
I wish the blonde girl with the pterodactyls would hurry up and kill everyone.
Another interpretation of pavlov’s experiment is his dog trained him to ring a little bell before serving him dinner.
Me: [2013] I don’t trust anyone I meet online
Me: [2018] last night I met someone on Twitter and we’re moving in together to become paranormal investigators
Me: I have reservations
Restaurant Host: Makes sense, we have a C rating
Executive: What should we name the mutant with neato magnetic powers?
Me: [clearly joking] How about Mag-Neato?
Exec: damn that’s so good
I almost died last night. I woke up at 3am and MY FOOT WAS HANGING OFF THE EDGE OF THE BED. NOT EVEN UNDER THE COVERS.
in ratatouille 2 we find out that the secret to remy’s talent was a flea named jacques who lived on his head and controlled him by tugging at his individual hairs
I’m gonna call my mom 26 times today to tell her about all the nothing that I’m doing, just to even the score.
[inserting row in excel]
Excel: copy font format from the row above?
Me: no I’ll handle it
Excel: and copy border from below?
Me: no why?
Excel: idk :/
Me: *typing number* w-why did you make 31,320 a date?
Excel: it’s my birthday 🙂
I just don’t understand pedophiles, kids are SO annoying.
*looks at crushed dead raccoon on the side of the road* i’m thinking Arby’s™
13yo forgot where she put her kindle and 9yo offered to help her find it, and my husband and I couldn’t stop laughing because those two can’t find anything.
My 7-year-old asked if people still need to go to the dentist in Heaven so I told her the truth, dentists don’t go to Heaven.
lol
[police show picture of my dead body at bottom of stairs to wife]
“Why no pants on?”
We think he tried to jump into his pants & fell
It’s 7 years ago today that my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past
Me: Why is your face so cold??
Husband: *sheepishly* Took me a while to choose a snack from the fridge.
If you watch the Social Network backwards, it’s about a man gaining more friends and a girlfriend as he spends less time on Facebook.
I like washing dishes by hand because it relaxes my mind, plus you can use the steak knives to play Wolverine.
If “live each day as if it’s your last” means being paralyzed with anxiety and a sense of impending doom then I am absolutely nailing it
Me: Goodnight Moon.
Moon: Don’t “Goodnight” me! Do you know what time it is? Where the hell have you been?
Pretty sure my day can’t get any wors- *soup explodes in microwave*
“This was the only way I could speak with you in private. That human woman? She’s trying to kill you.”
Everyone pointing out that it’s suspicious how many AI tools are free, it’s because building a tech company these days 100% revolves around giving people your product for free/at an extreme discount until they forget how to function without it, then closing the jaws of the trap
My yogurt just moved. Paranormal activia.
Spotify: hey, we make playlists catered to your unique tastes.
Spotify user: listens to 18 hours of Mongolian throat singing, Icelandic drumming bands and a peruvian death metal band.
Spotify: pls listen to drake
Where my American History knowledge comes from:
25% school
25% internet
50% Forrest Gump
Always check your candy. I opened a bag of M&Ms and found a bunch of Ws.