Always treat your woman like a princess, let a giant turtle kidnap her.
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Eating an expensive steak is good and all but have you ever ordered wings at a classy restaurant, love the look on the waiter’s face.
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
At least men & women can agree on one thing: it feels AMAZING to take a bra off
Sometimes I’m out in public and I have to look down real quick to make sure I remembered to put on pants.
If you really wanna honor the spirit of 2017, instead of kissing someone at midnight, push them off a bridge
God: What’s that?
Noah: The aquarium
God: For what?
Noah: The fish
God: Fish can survive floods
Noah: *kicks llama* YOU SAID EVERY ANIMAL
Best way to get picked up at a gym is fall off a machine.
This morning I jogged for 30 swear words.
I don’t want to be a millionaire, I just want enough money to be able to stare off into the distance while pumping gas.
[1987]
Me: Tell me my future.
Psychic: You’ll have a phone that costs $800.
M: So I’m rich?
P: *a laugh escapes from her nostrils* Nope.
Me: *delicately inserting plastic tassels to the ends of my handlebars*
Motorcycle Instructor, shaking his head: only if you brought enough for the whole class
If you’re blowing a horn at me, you’d better be in a band.
It’s fascinating how an “ouchie” a toddler experiences can immediately be fixed by giving it kisses.
Walked into a wall? Kiss
Bumped your head? Kiss
Looked at a tree the wrong way? Kiss
Bit a carrot too hard? Kiss
Pooped? Kiss and then a diaper change
My Fitbit was delivered today. It’s still sitting in the mailbox because I don’t want to walk all the way out there.
Really want to try out a career in tracing, or something along those lines.
Date: I don’t think we should see each other again
Me: It’s because I got in a fight and lost, isn’t it
Date: Well, yes
Me: It was a surprisingly strong goose
Her: I want you to kill my ex but make it seem like an accident
Me: say no more
[Later]
Detective: looks like the killer beat him to death with a crowbar and then placed a banana peel by his feet
“I’ve lost 200 pounds in just one year.”
“Oh. CrossFit?”
“No. Gambling.”
Every one of my trophies might as well say “Best Trophy Thief.”
*takes picture of son putting ornament on the tree*
Okay, now give that back to mommy and don’t touch another one, okay?
Judge: The jury finds the defendant guilty.
Me: Nooooooooo.
Judge: Again, you’re the plaintiff.
Me: Haha. Oh yeah.
[Being murdered]
Me: You’re stabbing wrong
Murderer:
Me: Keep your wrist in a neutral posture, let the knife do the work
[Stabbing intensifies, but ergonomically]
Bisexuals are lucky. To the rest of us, life is a restaurant where you’re allergic to half the items on the menu.
Unsolved mysteries is my wife and I trying to figure out how we no longer have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we wore them.
When accused by a woman a man’s first instinct is to deny. We’re not lying, we’re just buying time to remember what you’re talking about…
If someone starts talking to you, easily get out of the conversation by nodding while climbing the nearest tree.
Charcuterie is french for “I touched every single piece of this food, enjoy”.
Sites that are selling my tweets for money.1. Twitter2. FavStar3. Funny Tweeter <3 you guys!
Lmao
Her: come over
Me: are your parents home?
Her: no 😉
Me: what?! BRETT AND CINDY ARE AT RISK!