@WheelTod: Always use a fish knife when eating fish, a tomato knife when eating tomato, and a Swiss Army knife when eating a member of the Swiss army.
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@XplodingUnicorn: 4-year-old: What happens if I throw up in the red shoe bin by the door? Me: Why is your question alarmingly specific? 4: No reason.
@valenty__: Leo: *names his child Oscar* Doctor: "Would you like to hol-" Leo: "Say it like we rehearsed it." Doctor: *sighs* "And the Oscar goes to..."
@WhatsHerFace33: "Operator, run this licence plate please Echo Alpha Tango Alpha Delta India Charlie Kilo" - Me, if I was a cop on the day I got fired.