@WheelTod: Always use a fish knife when eating fish, a tomato knife when eating tomato, and a Swiss Army knife when eating a member of the Swiss army.
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@goldengateblond: You call what I just did walking into a wall. I call it looking for walls I can pass through and marking that one off the list.
@PetrickSara: I refused to buy my 5yo a tablet, and now she's resorted to hand-drawing angry emojis on pieces of paper to express her frustration.
@kirbys4losers: I'd rather be with a man who blows his load too soon rather than starts singing too soon in a song. How embarrassing for both of us.
@angibangie: I missed my calling in advertising. "Chocolate diamonds, for when you want your expensive jewelry to look like actual shit."