Always use a fish knife when eating fish, a tomato knife when eating tomato, and a Swiss Army knife when eating a member of the Swiss army.
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My swear jar is having a very profitable week.
Brenda from work unfollowed me on here so now I have to follow her around the office all day reading my tweets like a news broadcaster
People will walk away mid-sentence if you click your heels together three times while repeating, “There’s no place like home.”
[cross-country trip]
me: can you take over for a while, i am going to lie down in the back and take a nap
passenger: sir i’m not licensed to drive a bus
Boss: You’re
Me: Doing great?
B: No, I’m letting you
M: Have the corner office?
B: go.
M: Why?
B: Constantly completing my sentences wrong.
2/22/22 was created by Big 2 to sell more 2s.
This is what we really need to remember from the gold and white or blue and black dress debate.
Guy who invented the clock: there will be 12 numbers on it
Friend: so the day will be divided into 12 segments?
Inventor: no, 24
Friend: so will the day start at 1
Inventor: the day will start at the 12, which is at night
Friend:
Inventor: the 6 means 30
[Jedi Training]
TRAINER: Any questions?
STUDENT: Can the Force be with me?
TRAINER: I don’t know…CAN it?
STUDENT: Oh right…May the Force
With every wisdom tooth lost, your mouth gets a little stupider.
I don’t care if it’s immature or not, I’m pausing my age until this bullshit is over.
Every time I see a dude in a trench coat i assume he’s going to flash me. When it doesn’t happen, I assume he’s just a spy
And bowling should be called pinball
tall people make me nervous. what the hell are you doing up there? stop eating the leaves off that tree
Fitness level – too much Popeyes, zero spinach
1st date [dont let him know I’m a sponge]
Him: *spills drink*
Me: *starts twitching*
Taylor Swift: Hey babe, could you make dinner tonight?
Taylor Swift’s bf: Aw babe I’m really tired tonight
Taylor Swift: (making direct eye contact, slowly reaching for guitar)
Taylor Swift’s bf: I’ll go check the fridge
Me: So my gf and I hit Bigfoot with my Ferrari and when we got out to check on it we were abducted by aliens who brought us to the lost city of Atlantis and imbued us with superpowers.
Them: Pfft. You don’t have a gf.
SHARK WEEK: JAWS
shark weak: dentures
Justin Bieber has found Jesus which means that Jesus is really great at a lot of things but hiding is not one of them.
Romeo: I lost my cow
Juliet: wherefore art cow Romeo?
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
My thoughts are as pure as snow… after the trucks have driven hard and plowed through it.
I’ve been experimenting with breeding racing deer.
People have accused me of just trying to make a fast buck.
In store checkout behind beautiful woman in sleek black dress. She’s buying tequila and a quart of motor oil.
Sure like to know that story
I’m praying for you…
So if a bird shits on your car right after you wash it…
That’s from me
Judge: you’re guilty of inventing the word ‘liarish’
Me: you can’t be seriousful
I already told you Mom I’m NOT high and I’ll be home at 10:70
If you run into an ex, impress them by pulling out a pocketwatch and saying “I should get back to my factory. I own a factory now.” Start puffing on a big cigar, you’re a fat cat now.
Watched golf for two hours
before realizing that
the TV was off.