@WheelTod: Always use a fish knife when eating fish, a tomato knife when eating tomato, and a Swiss Army knife when eating a member of the Swiss army.
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@joshgondelman: The rush I get from completing a crossword puzzle leads me to believe that trying hard drugs would destroy my life within hours.
@lloydrang: I just saw a squirrel dragging a wine bottle bag up a tree. I think I found my spirit animal.
@KamaroPayne: My husband doesn't find it nearly as amusing as I do, when I read all your tweets out loud to him. For 2 hours. Douche.
@ArfMeasures: WIFE [in labour] GOD MAKE IT STOP MIDWIFE: The baby's WIFE: NO, THE NOISE ME [stops playing pan pipes] Is the nurse being too loud, love?