Always wear clean underwear, In case you are abducted by aliens
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When u drop an ice cube on the floor u have only 2 options:
1. kick it under the fridge
2. pick it up & throw it at the sink missing wildly
They really taught us calculus and then left us to fend for ourselves when it comes to taxes and putting the duvet cover back on
“Experts” need to stop blaming that 2020 Halloween candy shortage on me.
My boyfriend is so needy. Always demanding things like “please untie me” and “just tell me who you are”.
‘Tis the season when you think about your loved ones…
…and realize that although you love them, it’s not that “rush one-day delivery” fee kind of love. Ever.
Such a stupid sign! Babies can’t read
cop: do you know who the murderer is?
detective quasimodo: i have a [takes off sunglasses] decent lead
cop: [obviously disappointed] oh
detective quasimodo: what?
cop: it’s just i thought you were gonna say you had a… nvm it’s not important
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
I don’t like Haiku because you have to do poetry AND math.
I spent a good portion of today sitting in a Snuggie watching Cops. Eventually, they told me to go home and put on pants.
…and for my next trick, I will turn yesterday’s sweatpants into today’s sweatpants.
I accidentally typed ‘thee’ and now I’m listening to lute music and my neighbour Jeff just succumbed to the Plague.
I told my friends I found my Lasik surgeon on Yelp and they were horrified. Or interested, I’m not sure, I can’t make out faces so well.
*picks up bug, puts it outside* There ya go. *later, bug smashes thru door carrying gun* You should have killed me when you had the chance
If I was told to pick one word to describe myself, I’d go with ” doesn’t pay attention to instructions.”
Me: We’re swimming in debt
Wife: It’s fine
Me: The kids are going nuts
Wife: They’re fine
Me: You haven’t had a break in months
Wife: I’m fine
Me: There’s a possibility that word does not mean what you think it means
Wife: I’M FINE
Her Tinder profile: I love hiking, riding bikes, long wa–
Me: Sounds like a lot of doing stuff. Next
I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :
I really don’t believe all of these women on here are actually named “Sassy”
Last night my son gave me a dollar and told me I was a “good guy” and I think he might be in the mob now
My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.
I avoid cheating on my spouse by not getting married.
Women! You will no doubt have been gifted, over the years, approximately 15,000 gift soaps as panic-buy last-minute presents over the years.
Guilt will have compelled you to keep them all, rendering one drawer an overwhelming grotto of bergamot and lavender. Now is your moment.
One time I tried to pull off the Ariana Grande cat ears but I just looked like Barf from Spaceballs.
No Linda, I CAN’T believe how early it’s getting dark. After 4 billion years of this happening I was sure this would be the year it didn’t.
Sure, you women *say* you don’t need men anymore. But just wait until we start packaging tampons in tightly sealed jars.
Listen, I didn’t even want this piece of pre-workout pizza, but athletes have to make sacrifices.
I didn’t choose this melted cheese and tortilla chip life, it na-chose me
I’m sorry I hurt your feelings. Here’s a bag of frozen peas for any swelling.
Gym employee: Sorry ma’am, but to cancel your membership you have to come in & fill out paperwork.
Me:*sigh* FINE. Where are you located?