Always wear clean underwear, In case you are abducted by aliens
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Interviewer: Give an example of a difficult scenario &how you handled it.
Me: I poured a bowl of cereal, but had no milk. I used ice cream.
Bringing back the word zoinks but only for when someone shows me their baby.
Single and divorced men in their 40’s
prefer women at their own maturity level.That explains why they date women
half their age.
Some days driving is like Russian roulette, but with squirrels.
[Target intercom]
“Would the parent of a 9 y/o named Jack please pick up your son at security. We’ve told u for weeks this isn’t a daycare.”
ME: [ties a persons shoes together and then runs away] Haha
PERSON: [puts on worlds fastest potato sack racer hat]
ME: Oh no shit shit shit
*Food arrives*
*Waits 3 days*
*Slowly takes bite of food*
*Waitress appears from under the table in camouflage*
HOW IS EVERYTHING??
6yo: “Mom, Mom! I got to the number 200.”
Me: “Wow! Great job counting.”
6yo: “Thanks, I want to get to 300 stickers on the floor!”
Me: “Wait, what?”
my favorite hobby is reading a book by a fireplace in a cabin in the woods. in other words, my favorite hobby is being threatening to trees
[•[•[•[•[•[•[•_•]•]•]•]•]•]•] Lego guy gang comin right at u
This guy in my office is a little paranoid and it’s making it that much harder to poison him.
SURVIVOR: Hey, we wrote this 4 hour song explaining the entire anatomy of tigers!
PRODUCER: You can sing about ONE tiger body part:
SURVIVOR: *Sadly* Eye, I guess.
[weapons store]
ME: *holding up a spare pin* Has anybody seen my grenade?
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You won’t feel a thing.”
ME: I’m anti-murder
MURDERER: Wow, that’s narrow-minded
So few educational toys today! As a kid, my Tonka dump truck taught me not to pinch the shit out of my finger between two metal parts.
How does the little mermaid decide which creatures are her friends and which ones are her bra
This year for Halloween I’m putting my kids in a giant bowl on the front step with a sign that says Please Take One.
when i die please avenge my death regardless of the circumstances
My Dad used to sing the “1 Potato, 2 Potato, 3 Potato, 4” song with me, then at dinner I’d cry and throw a tantrum because I thought the song meant we were having mashed potatoes that night. Finally Dad said if I couldn’t behave, maybe I shouldn’t come home on college breaks.
If you were to open my fridge right now, you would ask yourself two things:
1. Why is there so much soy sauce
2. How did you make it past 14 years old
If i had to guess, i would guess that the number one search word on Bing is Google.
all my 5 year old is getting for Christmas is a couple free iPad games because i told him they cost a million dollars and he’s an idiot
satan: welcome to hell
me: this isn’t so bad..is this a library?
s: yup all you can read!
m: wow!
s: say, weren’t you paralyzed by indecision your entire life?
me, nervously: yes..why?
*satan gestures to shelves of nothing but “choose your own adventure” books*
m: aw hell
5 shots + 18 beers = 6 apologies
“Now, tilt your head and give me total scumbag!” – Realtor headshot photographer
I see all my neighbors out there mowing their lawns and I wonder if they’d come do mine also.
H: Are you a beer drinker or a wine drinker?
Me: … … … Yes.
Her: I’m going to start cooking without butter.
Me: This isn’t going to work out.
*man on tv sweeps items off desk and passionately embraces woman*
Me: How romantic.
*husband passionately throws folded laundry off bed*
Me: WTF