“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight.” — The Swiss Army
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[taking baby’s shoes off]
Oh what a surprise. Clean soles. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.
Wife: I’m going to wine down
Me: You mean wind down
Wife: No
I made a graph showing my past relationships. It has an ex axis and a why axis.
Monica just destroyed the internet
According to all these BMI charts…
I DEFINITELY need to get taller next year.
Husband is leaning dangerously out of window whilst he cleans it. Only thing stopping me from shoving him out is that he cleans the windows
I wonder if all the other popcorn kernels in the bag freak out when the first kernel pops
Today’s fortune cookie reads: ‘you are the only human in this restaurant don’t look up’
One alternative to having kids is to hire two people to sit in your car and start a loud argument every time your favorite song comes on.
I guess the creator of Pop Rocks was like:
Sugar isn’t enough, they need to detonate
These are my emotional support Pringles.
Me: my wife says I catastrophize everything
Therapist: *chuckling* how is she doing?
Me: I don’t know she hasn’t returned my texts for over five minutes I think she’s dead
Learned a lot during my barefoot walk through the forest. Mainly that acorns are the earth’s legos
It’s weird that Usher doesn’t have ANY songs about showing people to their seats…
GOD: *flipping a coin* Heads! That means it’s the murder hornets.
ANGEL: *sighs* Fine
GOD: Don’t worry, I’ll release the torture squirrels next month
Me: pew pew…pew pew pew
Guy at next urinal: Please stop
My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.
Impervious: being an admitted pervert
As I rise from my slumber the children scream in horror, as they did not know I was in the McDonald’s Playland ball pit
“Would you like to import all of your phonebook contacts to your Twitter account…?”
hahahaha yeah, that’ll go well
When I was 12, I asked a boy at school out. He said he had a girlfriend, but when they broke up I could be his next girlfriend and tbh I’m still waiting.
Sure, Billy Joel can make love to his tonic and gin but when I do it, I get a PH imbalance and a lifetime ban from my favourite bar.
the male barbie should’ve been named barbo
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on.
My life coach refuses to tell me which motivational quote will protect me from corona virus 😡
I forgot that I ate that chocolate. So can I have another one?
~ kid logic
I said I wanted my bamboo “grilled”…not toasted. GRILLED! Why is this so difficult to understand? I want to see your manager.
*aliens land in America*
Alien Captain: Take me to your leader!
Me: *heavy sigh* Listen, Bro…this is kind of embarrassing, but…
the show The Witcher is incredibly unfaithful to the game. where are the shots of Henry Cavill spending 7 to 10 minutes unsuccessfully trying to climb a small wall
Me: I heard Rihanna got food poisoning
Brain: Stop
M: It was
B: No
M: Salmonella ella ella ey ey
B: This is why I can’t do math in your head