What they say: “Hey, have you lost weight?”
What they mean: “Hey, I remember you being a lot fatter. What gives?”
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What’s the smallest amount of money you would reach into a toilet to get? Mine is a skittle.
I tried saving a cat in a tree but the darn thing wouldn’t accept Jesus.
No, I’m not a “Trekkie”…
I’ve never even seen Star Wars.
Frankly auto correct,I’m getting tired of your shirt.
half of halloween decorations are “what if a pumpkin could smile :)” and the other half is “would you like to see a clown stab a dog”.
Son: Dad, can we have the talk on how babies are made?
Me: Haha no way! I do not want to know!
Guy who’s never heard of drugs before: “Take an edible”? Dude, just say you ate some food. Sheesh
“delete your account” and what, leave my children NOTHING
In high school I did a book report presentation on a book about Vanna White. I made a poster board with a puzzle underneath sheets of paper and had the class call out letters until they solved it. The puzzle was, “This presentation gets a A.” So, no, I wasn’t one of the cool kids
Cop: you’re going to prison for forgery
Me *slides him a 37 dollar bill* what about now
Still disappointed that the only hard thing in my bed lately has been my mattress.
Me watching Luther: Oh you beautiful broken violent man, I would love you through it all.
Me on a date: Eyebrows don’t match, I’m out.
My 2yo thinks 5 am is a great time to discuss the mysteries of life.
The NFL has hired their first female referee.
She will throw flags for penalties the teams
committed 5 years ago.
My friend was complaining that when her husband gets dressed, he does sock, shoe, sock, shoe. What a weirdo! Everyone knows it’s sock, sock, shoe, shoe, pants.
The cat hair really brings out the notes of fruit and cedar doesn’t it
– Me, if you’re drinking wine at my house
In six days god created heaven and earth. On the seventh day, in the interests of balance, the bbc interviewed satan.
Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
Date: I like old fashioned guys
Me: I have polio
i am such a dungeons & dragons guy in theory. but i just don’t have the attention span to make it work. if you invite me, i am gonna show up super excited, name my elf some shit like Hyundai Elantra, and then you’ll never hear from me again
I have never bought a snack faster on name alone in my life.
NO I didn’t eat a whole box of Girl Scout Cookies. I just ate all the cookies inside it.
My husband has blocked the sink!!!!
.
I knew I should have buried him in the garden!
I have a friend whose thighs don’t touch..I was jealous until a breeze came up..It sounded like a turbo fan in wind tunnel. Small favors.
What do people who ask, “do you think I am an idiot?” and get mad when we say “yes”, want from us?
WIFE: what’s going on?
ME: [locking the door] I haven’t had an apple in 3 days
DOCTOR: [outside, stethoscope in hand] I can hear u breathing
“Everything the light touches is ours,” I tell my son while opening the fridge.
*ties a little bow around insect’s head, presents lovely gift to Canadian entomologist*
Pretty fly for a white guy.
I like to play 20 Questions with my kids but I always ask the questions and every question is “Will you please stop that?”