Am I annoying yet? How about now? Now? Now? Now? How about now? Now? Now? Now? Maybe now? Now? Now? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow?
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I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.
“OMG, this is better than sex!”
-Me, snacking during sex
Walmart calls them self checkouts, I call them I might not pay for some of this.
Idea for a romcom. Two people hook up on a night out. Wake up and have to self isolate for two weeks in one of their flats because of COVID-19. Working title: Just the two of (vir)us.
2032:: Scientists force bees and birds to mate, just for kicks.
2033: The Bumblehawks reign supreme.
[At party]
Wife: Don’t pretend you’re deaf again, so you don’t have to talk to people
Me [in sign language]: What?
My 7yo twins informed me when they grow up they aren’t going to have kids, they want to travel the country in a motor home and take homeless children off the sidewalk.
I guess it’s time for the ol “kidnapping is frowned upon” talk.
Kids are so cute how they use every single glass you own and then make you search for them around the house like an Easter egg hunt from hell.
Occasionally I set cases of beer out for the garbage men. Never know when you might need them to take out “suspicious” trash w/out questions
“Service Dog, Do Not Pet.” We’re sure this means me? Should we ask the dog? We should ask the dog.
ME: I’m seeing a little water staining on the ceiling. There must be a leak somewhere.
CONTRACTOR: When are you noticing it most?
ME: When I look up.
I’m at my parenting best when I randomly yell out “be careful!” every few minutes without looking up from my phone.
The dude who designed almond-milk cartons to look exactly like chicken-broth cartons should have to drink the coffee I just made.
I enjoy driving because it combines my desire to sit with my talent for being angry.
I was very disappointed when I found out drinking alcohol doesn’t actually kill brain cells, I was hoping to join a political party one day.
Spam popsicles.
*follow for more recipes
Who called it a coma instead of a dream vacation?
Jesus must’ve had a fortune if he paid for all my sins
“My uncle died from mineral exposure.”
“Barium?”
“No. We had him cremated.”
*punch*
Oh golly I’m sorry
-No, no, you’re quite alright. Go ahead
No, it’s your turn
*punch*
Thank you
-I’m terribly sorryCanadian boxing
None for me. I’ll eat when I’m dead
“You don’t understand how that saying works, do you?”
I’ll understand how the saying works when I’m dead
In 1993, I saw a toddler slip on ice and land on a cat, but I didn’t have any social media outlet to tell people about it. So, here it is.
Any 4 pics of Alan Rickman together looks like an amazing 80’s new wave band you wish existed.
Legend 🤣🤣
I’m at my most ninja when slipping on my seat belt as a cop car pulls up beside me.
One of my friends had a baby today, and another got a puppy. I think we all know which one I’m going to visit.
Put your family down and pay attention to your phone.
2 year old runs naked down the street.
“Awwwwwwwwwwwwww.”
I run naked down the street.
“AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!”
Obi Wan: You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy.
Luke: Obviously you haven’t been to Black Friday at Walmart.