It’s wildly known that all the great artists of the renaissance era loved eating pizza in sewers.
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WAITER: How is everything?
ME: Soul crushing and void of meaning
W: I meant your meal
M: Soul crushing, void of meaning, and needs salt
My husband & I have a secret signal we use when it’s time to leave a party. I pull an air horn out of my purse and blast it.
“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
Me: Hi, my name is Ursula and I’ll be your Uber driver.
Patron: Um, why are you wearing a clown mask?
Me: We’ll be making one quick stop.
I like my women like I like my bamboo: graceful, strong, and constantly in threat of being eaten by pandas.
These people at work keep interrupting my naps.
“It’s summer! Yay! No more school shootings!” – American children.
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
“Now, remember,” I say, waving my tweezers. “You eyebrows aren’t twins; they’re nearly identical cousins trying to outdo each other in order to become executor of their grandfather’s will.”
Responding to someone putting on their jacket, picking up their bag, turning towards the door and walking away by asking “you off?”
The hardest part of parenting is trying not to laugh in your kids face when they’re mad at you because you woke them up too early.
If someone catches me staring I quickly look to my left & right so they think “oh that girl’s not looking at ME she’s looking at EVERYTHING”
The first step when putting on a fitted sheet is, nope, it goes the other way.
Tell me your best thing today. Mine was I went to see ‘The Meg’ at the cinemas and this jerk kept kicking my chair. So I got up halfway through the movie, sat down in the empty chair behind him and kicked his chair until the end of the credits. 10/10, would pay $20 to do it again
*fills the ice tray once*
I’M THE ONLY ONE WHO DOES ANYTHING IN THIS PLACE
Running barefoot, the morning’s dew cool on my feet. My hair flows in the August breeze and I carry with me treasures from my past. I look to the horizon and I see him, my hero. And I smile. For today is Recycling Day and I’ve made it to the curb on time.
“It’s a bird! It’s a plane!” – my 3 year old niece, excited as hell over some basic shit.
Adding urine to your compost is a great way to add nitrogen to the soil AND get a restraining order from the neighbors.
Somebody called me a free spirit today and my heart leapt as I turned back to my paperwork.
ME: I want a koi swimming downstream
TATTOO ARTIST: Ah yes. That’s very symbolic. You must be very spiritual?
ME: Ya ha. Also, put a pop-tart in its mouth
I bet it’ll be frustrating when we get abducted by aliens and forced into their weird zoo to do human things. An alien kid will throw food at us and shout, “Do a war crime!” Listen, buddy, that’s not how it works.
[date]
Her: Will I see you again?
Me: Depends…*hands her paper*
Me: Pronounce that word.
Her: Nuke-u-lar.
Me: It was nice meeting you.
Fun fact: the person who said “If you love something let it go” died alone, surrounded by 342 cats.
Magician: Is this your card?!
Me: Yes! *turns to children and whispers* Go out to my truck and get my shotgun and rock salt. Daddy found himself a demon.
Her: Have you seen my glue gun?
Me: *Eating popcorn chicken right off a cob* No.
*plot gets twisted.
plot: Ouch!
I’m never gonna tell the person I’m meeting up with that you said hi.
My father still likes to tell the story about the argument he won with my mother in 1971.
wise man 1:
wise man 2:
wise man 3:
me: you said we weren’t doing big gifts
wise man 1: why would a baby need an olive garden gift card—
me: WHY WOULD A BABY NEED MYRRH??