‘Christ on a bike’, ‘Jesus is my co-pilot’, ‘Jesus take the wheel’ – stop making an iron age carpenter operate complex machinery
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“Oh, are you driving?” -Good question to ask someone as they force you into their trunk
Me:
Neck pillow
Knee pillow
Hug pillow
Head pillow
Ankle pillow
Back pillow
Thigh pillow
Foot pillowHim:
Pillow
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch just one video.
Yoga isn’t as easy as you’d think a few drinks in…
If he has other girls who make him smile, be different and make him cry.
Tequila is made from a plant so you could say I’ve been vegan so far this weekend
I was going to have a proper career by 30. I’m 47.
Great acting.. 😂
Why did the terrorist buy himself a new Porsche?
He was going through a midlife ISIS!!
Fact: Whiskey works for some illnesses because you get the illness drunk and it stumbles out of your body.
Me: ‘I just want to do something spontaneous.’
Combustion: ‘We’ll see.’
I don’t need your flipping advice, I am capable of ruining my life on my own.
{notices you’re wearing silver earrings}
sorry your ears came in 2nd
When I was a kid, dad would say ‘I’d give that a minute’ as he emerged from the bathroom after a heavy night on the beer.
I vowed I’d never be that crass with my kids, so I don’t give them any such warning.
People always go, “Why can’t there ever be peace in the Middle East?”
We can’t even get FIVE DENTISTS to agree on a toothpaste. That’s why.
All it takes is a “food dreadful, service poor” Yelp review to get your mother-in-law to stop inviting you to Sunday dinner.
Even if you’re fully vaccinated the CDC recommends finishing some of the books on your shelf before buying new ones
me: Hi it is nice to meet u. I am Jeff
date: Are u reading off notecards
M: Yes sex at ur place sounds gr-wait crap these are out of order
Me: please just one more wish
Genie: no, I said 3
Me: please
Genie: no
Me: [holding my new Leonardo, Michelangelo, and Donatello action figures] Genie please
boss: have u finished that project
me: hey rome wasn’t built in a day
boss: it’s been a month
me: rome wasn’t built in a month
boss:
me: [googling “how long did it take to build rome”]
Picture us, making love. Wrong. More cheese.
Don’t worry little groundhog, when I stick my head outside and see what’s going on in the world today I run back inside and hide too.
No YOU tried to pet the albino skunk that wandered up from the woods.
Related: Never go outside w/out contacts and YES I need a shower.
November is the Sunday of months. no I will not explain
Yoga Matt
people will refuse to download tiktok because it’s a time suck but then spend four hours a day sending you reels on instagram that you saw on tiktok three months ago
WHY DOES EVERYONE ON DATING APPS LIKE HIKING SO MUCH
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you’ll save from not having a social life.
“Oh. My. God.” – the first duck to eat bread.
*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*