If you leave your dog tied up outside a corner store I’m walking it. No need to ask. Be back soon.
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Roses are red
Novels have pages
Your boss’s profit
Is your unpaid wages
bully: [grabs journal] what’s this? “tweet ideas”?
me: hey give that back 🙁
[he opens it and the only entry reads “hobo is short for homeless boneless”]
Forgot to get McDonald’s after my son’s dr appt to take back to school with him and now CPS just kicked down my door
My Girlfriend wanted a cat. I didn’t want a cat. So we compromised and we got a cat…
[1st date]
Me: [putting my jacket over my dates shoulders]
Her: “Thank you but I’m not cold”
Me: [covering her awful dress] “Yes you are”
Kids today will never know the horror that would come from seeing a payphone start ringing suddenly in the middle of the night.
Thank goodness I have subtitles on, otherwise how would I know there is sinister cackling
[Man chasing me through the woods wearing a hockey mask]
GIVE ME BACK MY PUCK
I want to be more optimistic about aging but my 5 year old just found out I am 30 today and now she’s claiming the jewelry she wants to have when I’m dead.
Can’t, I’m about to turn 50 and my lower back is almost 83.
“i am a sweet baby”
Doctor: What’s the problem?
Me: Our baby cries all night
Doctor: That’s quite normal
Baby: ALL NIGHT
Doctor: Holy shit
[restaurant]
*patpatpat*
ME: you hear that?
*patpatPATPAT*
DATE: what the
[penguin bolts out of kitchen with a fish]
CHEF: SOMEBODY STOP HIM
If you haven’t woken up from a nap covered in stickers, did you even fall asleep while watching cartoons with your preschooler.
How Vaccines Work 🧫🧬🦠💉 (everyone needs to watch this)
People be like “do what makes you happy” and then complain when I’m drunk again
My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.
He held up my pants and said “Are you sure these are yours? They look small. You can fit in these??”
Judge: Not guilty. You’re free to go.
if you ever see me shirtless, galloping past you majestically on horseback, call an ambulance because i don’t know what i’m doing
Wife: you can trust me
Me: last week you told me I’d look good with a ponytail
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you can usually trust me
I’m babysitting my 2 yr old nephew today and when I told him he couldn’t eat ice cream for breakfast he told me “you’re not my best friend anymore” so we compromised and now he’s on his second bowl of ice cream and I’ve gained the title “best friend in the whole wide world”
“Thanks for coming. We’ll let you know.”
*stands up, trips, headbutts interviewer*
Indian Twitter is a lot like regular Twitter except everyone is misquoting Gandhi instead of Marilyn Monroe.
Cop: could you repeat again why you hit him over the head?
Me: I figured a couple of days eating hospital food would make him appreciate my cooking
If you work in an office trust that you have a nickname.
Everyone has a nickname.
If you don’t know yours, rest assured that it’s not very flattering.
Just ask Midlife crisis Matt over there.
Most divorces could be avoided by buying 2 duvets.
SITCOM IDEA: Career criminal who keeps getting arrested because he hires an official photographer to take pictures of him doing his crimes.
gen z: what’s the next generation gonna be called?
scientist: [nervously] ahaha you’re not the last one
gen z: what
scientist: what
I think about this a lot
therapist: if you don’t choose yourself, someone else will
me: agreed. i’ve decided to be a pterodactyl
therapist; that’s progress
me: haven’t tried flying yet
therapist: please don’t
me: you sound just like her