My New Year’s resolutions:
1. Stop making lists.
B. Be more consistent.
7. Learn to count.
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How far is it from the Earth to the sun?
10 CVS receipts.
I don’t get invited to birthday parties anymore. I can’t stop yelling PICK A KEY every time they start singing that stupid song
[*Wakes up on sofa] “Did I…DID I HAVE A FIGHT WITH BATMAN?”
Wife [from bedroom]: “YOU. PUNCHED. A. NUN.”
Genius move, Romeo & Juliet, for killing yourselves instead of getting married and spending the rest your lives wanting to kill each other.
This Tuesday marks the 3rd anniversary of my wife and I trying to find a show we’re both into.
Pretty certain I can more drunk
If snot was currency we’d all end up paying through the nose.
I dropped my phone will taking a bubble bath.
Now it’s syncing.
#BubbleBathDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
When I worked in fragrance, my friends and family would ask for samples all the time.
Now that I work in a bank… Same
If all your friends jumped off a bridge would you follow them?
Machine learning algorithm: yes.
I saved a ton of money on cool sports cars, vacation getaways and NFL season tickets by having children.
I got fired from my job as a diesel
fitter in a panties factory.We would hold the panties up,
inspect them and say “Dese’ll fit her”
Mum, that’s not a picture of Jesus
Me: Well honey, this place is ripe for arson
Realtor: Right for your son? Oh yes
Me: This house will be coals
Realtor: Cole is a lovely name
I see dead people.
Well technically they’re stupid people, but give me a few minutes.
Husband: Did you put “Deadly Wives” and “Why Women Kill” on our watchlist?
Me, picking up his socks sitting on the floor next to the laundry basket: Should’ve added “How to Get Away with Murder” as well.
Husband: What?
Me: What?
GF: um—you said you had something important to show me
[a fat little penguin waddles by wearing a monacle]
ME: YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO WAIT
I don’t know what Dorothy’s problem was, tornadoes are great means of transportation
I changed my name in my daughters phone to God…just texted her and said “I saw that” You should of seen her face. Priceless
Me: My passion for the sea is rather inconsistent, I’m afraid. It comes in waves
Navy recruiter: Get out
Went for a run last night and saw one of my neighbors already has his Christmas lights up
All I could think was, why the hell am I running rn?!
Any cults got something wild planned for the eclipse? I’m trying to find the good estate sales.
“You’re unemployed 364 days a year. It’s not that sexy.”
–Mrs. Cupid
[first karate lesson]
Me: *entering dojo* BONSAI!!!
Sensei: Do you mean ‘Banzai’?
Me: *just starts chucking little trees at Sensei*
Don’t fall in love with your therapist they are crazier than you are.
His arrival was foretold in the ancient murals.
You can totally cheat during board games with your kids if after 30 minutes, there is no end in sight. I’m looking at you Chutes and Ladders!
launch my dead body into space but not too far away. if my calculations are correct, i will win the public pool splash contest in 2076
[uses Ant-Man tech to carry around a bunch of dogs in my pocket]
In college if I needed more time to finish a paper I’d send a word doc with just like, pages filled with weird text characters and when my professor opened it days later, I’d be like oh the file must’ve been corrupted and then send the finished paper. I must’ve done it 50 times?