*at Wal-Mart*
Husband: A couple is fighting on the cereal aisle
Me: It’s not us this time
*we fist bump*
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“Bless your heart” is southern for “I’m pretty sure you were dropped on your head as a child.”
Before kids: I’d choose going blind over going deaf.
After kids: Deaf! I wanna be deaf!
My 1 year-old got mad with one of his toys today and threw it. I asked him what happened and he insisted it fell.
One day, he’s going to make an excellent mobster.
Some days driving is like Russian roulette, but with squirrels.
First day of my levitation course today, and I went straight to the top of the class.
Suddenly she was on her back, clothes strewn everywhere and her wrists bound to her ankles. She always had trouble hanging out the washing.
I was so anxious to social distance myself from my wife today that I went out and picked weeds in the yard.
Oh well….there’s always tomorrow!
#hopespringseternal
*drops pizza slice on the floor
Hey can I get another slice?
*eats slice that fell on the floor then eats new slice
You can’t scare me, I grew up on ‘80s horror movies and still took a job as a camp counselor on a lake.
Ladies, it’s 2019. Don’t wait for a guy to call you. Be proactive. Text him. Find your mutuals on FB to message. Kidnap his entire family and don’t release them until he goes on a second date.
Welcome to Insults Я Us, you sack of crap. Buy some stuff if you’re not too cheap. Maybe eat out of a garbage can. You’d probably like that
Them: Alcohol is not a healthy coping mechanism.
Me: Okay but when I tried to keep a therapist in the cupboard above the fridge I got in trouble so…
roses are red
violets are blue
I don’t think you’re ready
for this spaghetti
I have gained 8lbs and even though I’ve eaten a steady diet of junk food and sugar and only worked out three times in the last two months this seems really really unfair, you guys
I’m no fan of watching a train wreck, unless that train is pulling boxcars full of delicious delicious Raisin Bran®️
Spice up any Facebook comment with random quotation marks.
“Congrats” on your baby.
Congrats on “your” baby.
Congrats on your “baby”.
I don’t know how to break it to the new dog, but ours is not a parkour house.
[at my funeral]
Priest: he died doing what he loved
My friend Pete from the back: he liked it yeah but I wouldn’t say he loved making toast in the bath
This meeting could have been an email. That email could have been a fistfight in the alley
Sorry I wrote “All dogs matter” on your “I ❤️ my Weimaraner” bumper sticker.
“I’m sorry I named my daughter ‘Paige.’ It seemed funny at the time.”
– a confession of Nat Turner
Not to say I’m reckless, but my guardian angel wears a blindfold.
Bank robber: Follow my instructions and no one gets hurt.
Me: Okay.
Bank robber: Empty the safe and put it in the bag!
Me: Put the empty safe in the bag?
Bank robber: Do you want me to draw my gun?
Me: Okay. I’ll get you a pencil.
ME: Whats the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled?
WIFE: Cooler
ME: *lights cigarette and runs my fingers through my hair* What’s the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled, babe?
For such a picky eater, I’m certainly not a picky weight gainer.
[Getting home from fishing trip]
MOM: Catch anything?
ME: No, but a bear did
MOM: Where’s your father?
Me [double-clicking a word to select it]
Microsoft Word: are you trying to select this entire sentence?
Me: no, just the one word
Microsoft Word: ok are you trying to select the entire paragraph?
Me: no, just that word…
Microsoft Word: ok I’ll just delete this entire page
[gets intuitive notification]
you know what, apple watch, I think I will finish that outdoor walk from 2011
When I said “Leave me and save yourselves” I did not expect them to agree so quickly