Amanda Bynes and Lindsay Lohan have a fight to the death. Who will win?
Everybody.
You Might Also Like
Her eyes light up the room. They are lasers. Everyone is running.
My pregnant friends put me in charge of their gender reveal party
I can’t wait till they pop the balloon & find out they’re having a kraken
The average Apple employee works 6 hours longer a day than an Apple battery.
obliviously driving m y car through chernobyl , absorbing lethal anmounts of radiation while looking for cute girls
Anti-carb diets are just radical groups of potato-phobes and spud-judists.
Once you’ve had a bug on you everything is a bug on you for the rest of the day.
2019: Tumblr blinks offline, satisfied, having completed its mission of collecting all existing TV and film footage as GIF files.
Dear God, make me a bird. So I can fly real high and then shit on people.
Saint Waddle is the patron saint of pancakes and ducks. She loved to flip the bird.
Hey girl are you my golf clubs? Because I tottaly forgot to take you out of my trunk.
the term “domestic housewife” implies the existence of a feral housewife and that is what i aspire to be
I’m thankful my wife harvested over $100,000 in potatoes on Farmville while I ate a grilled cheese for dinner & am sleeping on dirty laundry
[after a few beer I get the confidence to use the word cataclysmic] the effects of the climate crisis are going to be [beer doing what beer does] catsarechristmas
My daughter just started singing “I ate some brains down in Africa,” and now I kinda like her version better
I like to switch browsers as often as possible. They all prompt to make them the default browser. It feels nice to be fought over.
“OPEN UP, THIS IS THE POLICE!”
haha, no way losers. I’ve got things to do.
*cop whispering* “what do we do? this guy is owning us hard!”
Y’know the trouble with nude dancing is that not everything stops when the music does.
There’s a song playing in Panera that goes “I got your Christmas right here”, and this just sounds so aggressive to me .
[Alien vs Predator]
Alien: I can eat your face off
Predator: I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a school
Gun control sounds like a dangerous but exciting way to change the channel
*stands on scale at doctor’s office*
*takes off coat*
*empties pockets*
*shaves eyebrows*
Never date a commercial actor cause after you guys break up and you just wanna kick back and watch the tube you have to keep seeing them driving a Kia Sorrento or being really excited about dish soap
Me: My wife says I never pay attention
Her: I’m not your wife
doctor: why do you think you need this medication?
me: i saw the commercial and the side effects sounded pretty awesome
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
Lord I was born a ramblin’ man.
You can tell by my endless and pointless tweets.
When Wall-E first came out I was like “‘what a profound statement” and now, a few years older, I’m like “gimme one of those sick chairs.”
If my bird identification app can’t pick up a bird I’m trying to identify because your lawn mower is too loud, I’ll drive my car through the side of your house.
If i had a dollar for every time you guys said Twitter was going out of business, I’d have enough money to buy Twitter.