Amazing how easily that guy scaled Trump Tower. Thank God u can’t get suction cups in Mexico cause then wall idea would be really stupid.
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My cat just wrote the Great American Novel. Let me read you a page, “Meow meow meow meow meow meow.” Dunno, think it’s a little pretentious.
[using Ouija Board]
“Will i ever find true love–”
“NEW GHOST WHO DIS”
Sometimes I feel so bad about not being perfect but then I remember people who expect you to be perfect all the time are exhausting and then I scratch my armpits like a monkey.
Signed up to be a diplomat. Won’t need a vaccine cause I’ll have that sweet, sweet immunity
When I’m King, people who say “based” will be the first to go.
First date
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m currently trying to eliminate all cancers
Her: Wow, impressive
Him: Then I’ll move on to Virgos
You can have a cereal that tastes good. You can have a cereal that makes you poop.
No. You cannot have both.
I take issue with furniture that deliberately moves 1 inch when you’re in a rush to get by.
[family vacation]
Son: how much farther?
Me: call me dad
My former boss’s wife posted a photo of their youngest child on Facebook and I commented, “you’re right, he does look just like me!”
And now we wait…
Trader Joe’s was destined for greatness…
Unlike his twin brother Sloppy Joe who was destined to work in a cafeteria for minimum wage.
“i hope this email finds you,” she threatened
Pringles
Never answer knocking at your door. It’s always people. Always. Never giant chocolate bars. Only people.
My dating profile:
ME: how old are you?
EGG AND CHEESE SANDWICH UNDER A GAS STATION HEAT LAMP AT 8 PM: im breakfast
ME: and how long have you been breakfast?
me (when my escalator is working but the other direction isn’t): God is on my side as always.
me (when my escalator isn’t working but the other direction is): i am the cursed goblin man
*After a dental appointment*
4: Daddy the scientist cleaned my teeth and I don’t have to brush my teeth anymore!
Why did they call it “All Dogs Go To Heaven” and not “Hell Hath No Furry”?
How did that guy know he went through the desert on a horse with no name? Did he try asking the horse? Was he aware that it was probably his job to assign a name if there was not already one in place? A lot of things don’t add up here.
I wanna rock and roll for 20 minutes tops and party for as long as it takes to seem normal before leaving without saying goodbye to anyone
REPORTER: How do you feel after serving 6 months under house arrest?
ME: I did not realize that had started.
Me: We’re swimming in debt
Wife: It’s fine
Me: The kids are going nuts
Wife: They’re fine
Me: You haven’t had a break in months
Wife: I’m fine
Me: There’s a possibility that word does not mean what you think it means
Wife: I’M FINE
I try to live my life like every one of the ten people Beyoncé follows.
It’s a sad day when you find out there’s a hot person behind a cartoon avi.
Conservatives say the problem is Christianity ain’t taught in schools. The real problem is Christianity ain’t taught in church.
If you pass the drug test at dominos they fire you
GUY: I think I’m done eating
ME: did you need a to-go box?
DEATH ROW EXECUTIONER: again, stop asking them that
Look what the cat dragged in!
*freaks out remembering I don’t have a cat and house was built on top of a pet cemetery*
a true american can survive on just corn syrup and debt