Please don’t use the phrase, “make love,” unless you’re speaking about what you want to do to a cheeseburger.
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Me: So I’ll see you Friday?
Friend: I can’t wait!
Me: FINE THEN FORGET IT
“Any drugs or alcohol, sir?”
“No thanks. Getting those things from a cop seems awfully setup-ish.”
My 5/o just said “That’s Classic!!” WTF is classic to a 5 y/o? Blues Clues??
Dear plastic wrap,
I wish you’d cling to something other than yourself.
– me
There are a lot of unspoken rules about complimenting a baby. It is ok to say ‘I could just eat him up!’ but apparently you should not go into detail about which recipe you would follow.
Thinking outside the box.. 😅
I had a stormy relationship with my mother, mostly because she was a cumulus cloud
My daughter asked me what it’s like to have kids so I interrupted her every 11 seconds until she cried.
Him: Correct me if I’m wrong.
Me: Oh don’t worry, I will.
Restaurants: put your phone down. Live in the moment. Scan our QR code and browse our wares or starve
I just want to be high enough on the corporate ladder so I can walk around the office and yell at ppl while I’m eating a salad
Dance like theres no tomorrow OH MY GOD THERES NO TOMORROW WHY ARE WE DANCING
If I storm out of a room, there’s a 50% chance I’ll trip over something on my way out.
With AI we’ve designed an entity that will eventually destroy us but right now we’re just like hey “can you write a poem for my gf?”
5: I’m going to hide my toys in this drawer.
Me: That’s where they go. It’s called “putting things away.”
“Stop stealing your sister’s imaginary hot chocolate” is not a sentence I ever expected to say, let alone saying it multiple times at increasing volume
my wife says nobody needs to buy cowboy hats for squirrels but I pointed out none of the squirrels have cowboy hats. It’s an untapped market.
You said you couldn’t live without me, so it’s very inconsiderate of you not to be dead.
Dave: I don’t want to sound stupid….
Me: Then stop right there and say nothing.
I like to think of myself as a guy who doesn’t scare too easily but I just beat the shit out of a motion activated air freshener.
DON DRAPER: These Simpsons, they’re yellow?
ROGER STERLING: As the day is long.
DON: And the boy?
ROGER: Bart, lotta triangles on his head. (puts out cigarette) Sister, too.
You could replace the zombies on Walking Dead with huggers and it’d be the same scary show.
This florist doesn’t even know anything about floors, and he’s acting like I’m the stupid one!
I just threw some bird seed on my lawn and now there are dozens of them out there which is amazing because I thought it would take ages for them to grow
pilot: we’re about to crash
passengers: OMG
pilot: this wedding
passengers: phew
pilot: cause we’re gonna run into this church
me: *kills two birds with one stone*
date: MY COCKATOOS
Maybe I misheard him…
But I think God just told me to start building a really big goat.
Friend: Let’s go to the game next week
Me: Let me check my calendar
Also me: (yelling into the next room) Honey!
Me: HALLOWEEN!!!
Ween: Hallo!
Concierge: Welcome to Paris, monsieur.
Me: You recognize this man?
*slides photo*
Concierge: That’s Pepe le Pew.
Me: If you see him you call me. *leans in* My cat’s been taken.