@Matt_The_1st: Not to brag or anything, but I scored 4 points on flappy bird before my phone mysteriously flung itself across the room

@PastorBate: Restaurants drastically overestimate how much I care about which wood they smoke my bacon over.

@canadasandra: the host of the party told me to make myself comfortable so I went back home to bed

@Crunk_Jews: People who use a vacation day the day after Christmas to have relatives over clearly don't understand the meaning of the word vacation.

@DiamondLou69: Hot chick at the bar just said that she's gonna do something stupid tonight... ...I informed her that I only had a 1.75 GPA in high school.