Amazing statistic. The new U2 album is the most deleted record in history.
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THERAPIST: Whatever you say will stay inside these 4 walls
ME: A ghost
THERAPIST: What?! Why [looks round, scared] why would you do that?!
boba fett is short for robert fettuccine
Apparently, lifting your feet so she can reach underneath,
Is NOT considered “helping her vacuum.”
Lesson learned, fellas. Lesson learned.
I tried some Dirty Dancing in a neighbour’s herb garden. I had the thyme of my life.
Dolly Parton wrote “Jolene” and “I Will Always Love You” on the same day and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.
Counting Crows in the 90s: “They took all the trees and put ’em in a tree museum and they charged the people a dollar and a half to see them.”
Me in 2023: “Wow that’s a good price.”
As all of evolution expected, I’ve decided not to eat that butterfly with the angry looking eyes on its wings.
No member of any family has the same interpretation of the sentence “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
it sucks that a cape on your back makes you fly but a cape on your front just gets you a haircut
my landlord is angry because I put an entire suit of armor down the laundry chute again
My warrants are pretty outstanding.
Sometimes I like to wear a robe to the grocery store, pull out a tape measure, start measuring various vegetables, and let shopper imaginations run wild
Me: I’m going to eat healthier.
My 25 y.o. son: I don’t understand why, but okay.
Mom: Wanna help gift rap?
Me: In West Philadelphia born and raised on the playgro– oh you mean WRAP? Nah homegirl you’re on your own.
I’m so mad I put my fist through a wall. I HATE BEING A GHOST
Marking my last weekend of living single by finishing off these 19 cans of baked beans
One time I fell off a 20ft ladder, then climbed right back up and jumped off a second time to show that ladder who’s in charge.
ME: with the vaccines coming i’m feeling hopeful
HER: yeah life might go back to the way it was
ME: ok now i’m bummed again
When I first met my husband I knew I’d see him again because I stole his watch.
customer service: so the vacuum works just fine but you want to return it cuz it’s… too loud?
me: [looks over at dog] that is correct
WIFE: please come out of there so we can talk
ME: [from cardboard box] i’m sorry come out of where?
WIFE: [sigh] please exit the spacecraft
Two wolves ? more like a hyena carcass and a dust bunny.
Chicks love guys with tattoos cuz it means they’re willing to commit to something stupid for the rest of their lives…
If only the person that named “walkie talkies” had been in charge of naming so many more household objects.
“Actually I have a lot of secs” is apparently not the right answer to “Do you have a sec?”
Art: Stop it.
Life: *mockingly* Stopp iiit.
Anyone else having trouble with their Satnav today?
I typed in ‘Cowes’ and it’s brought me here. 🤷♂️
If the lever on your toaster breaks off and your bread starts burning, can you pry it out with a butter knife? The answer may shock you.
My dad.
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!