Amazing that the townspeople didn’t like Belle what with her waking up every day and calling them a bunch of simple idiots
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20% of traffic accidents involve deer.Who allowed deer to drive in the first place?
Don’t hand me the good china. That’s a leap of faith you’ll regret.
if any of you are fans of deep house music blasted at high volume, i’d highly recommend the grocery store around the corner from me.
Being good at customer service is essentially jingling keys in the face of adults.
When someone says they love me to the moon and back, I tell them that’s only about 500,000 miles and I expect more tbh.
Welcome to your 40s: the good news is you only gained a single pound, the bad news is you did it ten times.
cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.
Finding an open electrical socket at the airport and discovering it doesn’t work feels like buying a pair of pants and discovering the pockets are fake.
ME: “Hey, the 1980s called and they want their pants back”
STRANGER WHO IS SECRETLY A TIME COP: “They called?! That’s a level 3 violation!”
[Picking up girls]
Me: you like bad boys, huh?
Girls: yea
Me to my wing man: tell them
Wing man: he’s just literally the worst
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
Police: Cover me
Rookie: ok [pulls out guitar] Every little thing she does is magic
Wearing ‘EarPods’ is my favorite way of making the rest of the world believe my verbal outbursts are part of a heated phone conversation.
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Humidity, to Heat
Took me 5 minutes to pick up the soap I dropped in the shower so I hope I never commit a felony.
just rolled a joint. it was my ankle.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who didn’t really want you to take a bite of the cookie he offered you
Diet starts today.
I need to lose about 3 years.
The best thing about living with my parents is being woken up four minutes before my alarm to be told my alarm is about to go off.
If you’re in your car, go ahead and pick your nose, because the car makes you invisible.
CEO: It’s got wheels
Inventor: It’s the best we could do
CEO: You had 30 yrs
I:
CEO: Put “may not hover” on the box and get out of my sight
*waves arm in the direction of the lake*
One day, all this will be yours.
12: Are you threatening to drown me?
Me: Just make your bed, k?
Why is it called a herd of horses and not a neighborhood?
wife: omg what are you doing?
me: wrapping presents
wife:
me:
wife: IS THAT ALUMINUM FOIL?!
ME: How was the date?
FRIEND: Uncomfortable. She mentioned that her last boyfriend died repeatedly.
ME: So he’s like a Highlander or something?
My Guy
What are you gonna argue about with your family this Thanksgiving?
1. Minimum wage
2. Police reform
3. Why are there raisins in this, Louise
According to this Fitbit, the coroner should’ve been here 10 minutes ago.
I’ve got a couple of eyebrow hairs that want me to be a villain.
I never understood how a mother could lift a car with a child trapped under,
until my phone got stuck under my bed.