Amazon is a $250 billion dollar company that reacts to you buying a vacuum by going THIS GUY LOVES BUYING VACUUMS HERE ARE SOME MORE VACUUMS
You Might Also Like
I moved to this city ten years ago with just the clothes on my back. I soon learned that I’d also need some clothes for my front. City people aren’t as open minded as you’d think.
I told my kids we get visited by the Easter Chicken because bunnies don’t lay eggs.
“Now you sound ridiculous,” said 8.
I just tried to sneeze quietly and broke everything inside of me.
911: What’s your emergency?
THE BARISTO IS HAVING A STROKE
911: Barista?
IT’S A GUY. BARISTO
911: No, it’s still-
Nm he’s dead now
Cop: license and registration
Me: that won’t be necessary officer
*places a glazed donut in his pocket
These people are screaming like they’ve never seen pompoms on an axe before.
I seriously hate it when a couple starts having an argument in front of you.
They could have least waited until I got dressed and left.
One of our insect keepers said she had butterflies in her stomach but she didn’t seem all that nerv-SONOFA!
The lady walking ahead of me sped up so I did, she began running so I did, she screamed so I did. I never even saw what we were running from
They say the more people you see joggin in a neighborhood the more expensive property taxes will be…That’s why I never jog bc I’m just a really really good neighbor
[Showing Tom Cruise a video of me putting on a sock while standing] I do my own stunts too.
“Listen to your body”
My body: you’re 42, sit tf down
Sure, Taylor Swift is a hero for performing in the rain, but have you ever waited for your dog to poop in a thunderstorm?
“Mirror, mirror, on the wall.”
Mover: “Fine. Where do you want the couch?”
I’m starting to think that this $49.95 “Landmarks of Europe Tour” might be bullshit.
Day 1,459 of my son acting shocked and aggrieved when I tell him to go brush his teeth before bed.
Quite frankly amazed I’ve never been kidnapped. I just asked the produce manager if they had more cantaloupe and he said follow me and I said okie dokie and ended up in some back room lmao
the compUtah Maineframe has crashed and Idaho how to fix it. Alaska round to find out Hawaii it happened. Are Delaware of the situation?
I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
For someone I’ve had to physically restrain from eating dog shit, my son is awfully particular about which grapes he’s going to eat.
“Welcome to daycare. Here’s your eye infection.”
My 6yo’s homework today is learning how to count backwards.
Yep that teacher knows about DUIs alright!
I trained my dog to shake for a treat and now he works the room like the groom at his reception.
Growing out my freckles.
I am not the person I thought I was when I cut that donut in half.
My 3yo explaining pizza delivery:
“You hear the doorbell, then you open the door, then a person is suddenly there, and then they give you a pizza. And then they disappear into the night.”
MAGICIAN: Think of a number, any number.
ME: *thinks for a bit* …k
MAGICIAN: That is a letter.
ME: omg ur right
all my demons came for free. these must be organic.
If you love something, set it free.
(Does not apply to ferrets.)*
*I am no longer allowed on the subway.
I successfully avoided the red-eye flight and got the much milder pink eye flight.