amazon prime: select delivery window
me: *types* the bathroom one
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I’ve been waiting for this moment and it has finally happened.
I got a paper review back saying I need to familiarise myself more with the works of Heejung Chung and that my work should engage more with her work.
Told my daughter work was tough today and she patted my back and said, “Life isn’t always pickles and peaches,” like some kind of 3rd Grade Confucius.
me: no thanks I’m a vegan
person handing me a baby: what
I’m an introvert, but my middle finger is an extrovert.
My sister just had a baby and I texted the family group chat “oh shit new nephew just dropped” and no one found it funny they were just ashamed of me, which they should be
Doctor: so, how did you injure your rotator cuff?
Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet: TENNIS
[4 y/o sticking charger into goldfish]
Me: WTF ARE YOU DOING
4 y/o: he died dad
Me: …
4 y/o: …
Me: well hurry up my phone is at 9%
Church: time to come back
Me with 3 small boys: Well, OK
Church: not you
MEET ME AT THE PLACE NEXT TO THE THING GO NOW DO NOT ASK ANY QUESTIONS
If my wife thinks I won’t pick a fight in public because the waitress is uncomfortable, well she’s just wrong about that.
It’s faster just accepting that a fish learned to walk and then everything got weirder.
[babysitting]
Nephew: Can we listen to music?
Me: OK but not very loud.
Nephew: Why, does it hurt your old ears?
Me: Hey look at that, it’s your bedtime.
Next time someone asks you how you slept,
close your eyes & say “like this” & just stay that way for like 8 hours!!!
me: will i go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
starting group chats is like that fox chicken & bag of grain riddle where you cant put certain guys in the same boat or theyll kill everyone
Inflation has drastically altered what it means to say “I just ate $25 worth of Taco Bell”
Any job can be a dream job if you have nightmares about work
A young guy at work asked me if I’m ready for Christmas.
I’m 52 yrs old Connor. I just turned down my radio so I can see better. I’m not even ready for today.
When the moon hits your eye like 3.14 Pi
That’s the ratio of its circumference to its diameter
For those that worship cheese..
If your mother in law and your father in law were both engulfed in flames, and you only had one fire extinguisher,
where would you hide it?
My new rescue dog has figured out how to step on the pedal and open the trash can.
I don’t think my children ever learned that.
I’m so glad my kids have a 3-day weekend because that means I get an extra day of listening to them yell at Fortnite.
Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
I walk around like everything is fine, but deep down……
inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.
ME: I always get so nervous on flights. Like I know it’s supposed to be safe, but I just don’t understand how something so heavy can stay in the air, you know?
CO-PILOT: The speaker’s still on, Captain.
Eight months since I had laser eye surgery. Still no lasers.
Neighbor asked me over for coffee and said ‘make yourself comfortable’, so I did, I went home.
My wife and I have been happily married for two years. 1997 & 2004
It’s because it’s Bring Your Daughter To Work Day, sweetie. That’s why. What Papa is doing right now is called an “autopsy”. Stop crying.