Amazon Prime would be a good title for a Wonder Woman movie.
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The person who stole my identity sent me a sympathy card
The first rule of bread making club is you only talk about it on a knead to dough basis.
My husband made it back from Charlotte and went directly from the airport to a “work meeting” at a casino resort. Any one else think this seems suspicious? 🤔
Whenever I’m sharing an elevator and someone reaches for the panel I gently push their hand down and say “no.”
God: is it done?
Noah: yea
God: whats this
Noah, proudly: a swing set
God: you built a park. I asked for an ark
Noah: a what?
God: a boat
Noah: say boat then
I’m not a jealous person but seriously, if you star her tweets one more time I’m going to squeeze the balls of this vodoo doll so hard…
All those Tarot cards and not one person at Burning Man saw this coming.
Biologist screws up:
Mutant killer virusPhysicist screws up:
Deadly black holeGeologist screws up:
Rock on table is now rock on floor
“Quit” is not in my vocabulary but “resign”, “drop out”, and “give up” are.
Finally!
Friend: I’m so sore from the class I took at the gym
Me: I spent 10 minutes trying to pick up a cube of ice off my floor, I know the feeling
i have never needed anything in my life more than this
[Standards Bar]
Politician: Make it a double.
I always carry a pocket of spare bolts at the carnival and hand two or three to the person taking the seat after me. “I found these. Weird?”
If you want to feel better about your parenting, my 14-year-old asked if she could be a six-pack of beer with her friends for Halloween.
‘Let’s just agree to disagree.’
-Me, saying grace at the dinner table.
A big part of my wife’s cardio routine is rolling away from me in bed.
[god inventing humans]
angel: what does it do
god: creates, loves, invents…
angel: awesome
god: storms area 51 in the style of an anime character
angel: wtf
god: it also makes quiche
Django and Bjork, sitting in a tree, j-j-j-j-j-j-j.
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
If I had a time machine I’d destroy the invention of autotune and say “good luck being famous now you talentless brats!”
NO I didn’t eat a whole box of Girl Scout Cookies. I just ate all the cookies inside it.
Me: mic is short for microphone
My kid: so my uncle’s name is Microphone?!
“Enter passcode to use Touch ID” – then what is the point of you Touch ID that lives on my iPad? WHY ARE YOU SO SCARED?
*walks in with singed eyebrows and an empty gas can*
Friend: The revenge didn’t go as planned, did it?
Me: *grabs chainsaw* Nope.
Bike for sale
[dog park meeting]
dog: we have confirmed reports that they’re hiding pills from us…
[low growls]
dog: IN THE CHEESE
[outraged barking]
A cool thing about having kids is you get to carry on a conversation with someone who’s doing a headstand in an armchair.
Mary had a little lamb
with pita and tzatziki
She said “this gyro is my jam
and I’m feeling kinda sneaky.”So she slipped out
and didn’t pay.
The guy said
“I’ll be damned.”
So he called the cops.
They’re on the way.
Now Mary’s on the lam!
My stylist: Your hair is dry and damaged.
Me: Hey! I think it’s fine.
My stylist: Yes, that too.