Amazon Review: A History of Criminals
★★★☆☆Not a bad book. Prose and cons.
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someone mentioned that the divorce rate is around 50% which is terrifying, cause the idea that I still have a 50% chance of being stuck with the same person forever scares the shit out of me
I created a series of recipes that cause diarrhea. I call them cleanses. It’s all about branding.
When the chips are down, be a good friend & say a few kind words to the chips. See if that helps.
how i look when they bring my wings at pluckers.
Everyone’s family
127 hours but when he finally cuts his arm it’s a cake
When a sales clerk asks if you need help with anything, this does not include kids.
I know this now.
I don’t want to “agree to disagree,” I want you to say uh huh and I say nuh uh and you say uh huh until we’ve resolved this.
People would probably like hospitals better if they had water slides & the nurses were strippers
I’m so glad I didn’t spread that out over the last three weeks in doable chunks but instead chose to cram it like a madwoman into 24 hours.
-My thought process, apparently, when tackling a deadline
How do I tell my doctor I only like him as a friend
“Google Earth gives you the freedom to journey across the ocean and take an intimate look at the pyramids.”
*Googles my ex’s house*
ME: I was born a tree…
ALSO ME: …but I’ll dialog.
I taught my 1yo how to turn on my mother-in-law’s dishwasher since she only uses it for storage.
I just vacuumed my dog to cut down on indoor shedding, if you’re looking for a life coach or whatever.
her: can you put egg plant on the shopping list
me: *writes* ‘chicken’
My mom: Easter is at noon on Sunday.
Me: I’m not religious but I’m pretty sure Easter is all day.
My husband just said, “I have a game I think you’d be interested in that I bet you haven’t heard of…
It’s called Wordle”
Saying “I’m having a heavy period day”
– boring
– depressingSaying “bro my flow is crazy”
– dope
– could be a rapper
Considering the fact that I’m still working in people’s homes everyday, if the coronavirus hasn’t killed me in a week, nothing can kill me.
Except bullets.
Bullets and gravity.
Also poison.
Good dog. ❤️
Why is called an “extraction” and not an “amputeeth”?
If the head of CIA can’t even hide his own affair it’s pretty safe to say there were no aliens at Roswell and we really went to the moon.
Don’t you hate it when you trip and fall and an entire pizza accidentally jumps into your mouth?
As an alpha male, I rebuke rollercoasters. I will not be jostled and flown along a silly track according to another man’s engineering. Flipping around some pervert’s dream. And what if I squeal??
Wife: I had to retire a pair of undies and the next one in the rotation was white,
I hate white pantiesMe: well, that’s the last time they’ll be white, so…
Does anyone want to help me try to find my last 2 molars?
They’re either under the fridge or I swallowed them
SCROOGE: Oh great spirit…why are we at the Olive Garden?
GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PASTA: These guys have endless breadsticks
ME: (peeing in the corner of the elevator)
GUY: We’re not even stuck.
My signature move is appearing out of nowhere with an emotional support taco
i don’t understand the desire to rock climb. we have stairs for that now. solved problem