Amazon Review: A History of Criminals
★★★☆☆Not a bad book. Prose and cons.
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We’re all eagerly waiting for that one opportunity, e-mail, or moment to positively change our lives, but text message scams really need to step up their game. No one offering anything of actual value would start a message by saying “CITIZEN! YOU HAVE BEEN SELECTED.”
“Got any drugs or alcohol on you?”
“yup, I’m all set. Thanks Officer”
Who snuck Monday in here? 🙄
I buy ribbed condoms, it makes my balloon Armadillos more realistic
Just wrote “except for you, spiders >:(” on my Welcome mat so that should be the end of that
Science has yet to explain why sandwiches taste better cut diagonally.
[the year 2057]
iPhone 49: *reaches for some of my fries*
Me: No. if you wanted fries you should have ordered some
One of Jesus’ most impressive accomplishments was being 33 years old and still having 12 really close friends.
[First date]
Date: I’m looking for a guy who’s above average.
Me: [Trying to be above average] I’ve eaten 17 spiders this year
True?
[Waking up]
Me to me: I see my assassin failed.
me: want to read more harry potter?
7: sure, we are at the part where harry is talking to dumpledore
me: dumbledore
7: right, dumpledore
me: ᵂʰᵉʳᵉ ᵈᶦᵈ ᴵ ᵍᵒ ʷʳᵒⁿᵍ
“Whaddya say we get together next Thursday and decide what to call these fruits hanging off these palm trees.”
“Ok. It’s a date.”
[on my deathbed]
me: a….ah…..
wife: what is it!! what are you trying to say?
me: ah…… alexa…… play despacito
My boyfriend has no mental illness and it’s the weirdest shit. You know what he does when he’s tired? Goes to bed. When he’s hungry? Eats a snack. When he’s drunk? Stops drinking. I don’t get it.
CEO: we’re shutting down 60 offices to save $$ and everyone will work at home.
me: cool. do i get a bigger raise next year then?
CEO: haha no. but we will give you your office chair for free
“Come to me flesh of my flesh”.
*embarrassing teenagers is easy.
Pro tip: Wearing an 18th century corset really weeds out the quitters
Me: *accidentally types url wrong one time*
Navigation Bar: [every day for 15 years] Do you wanna go to Faceboot today? Huh? You wanna visit a boot with a face on it? Huh, you piece of shit? Is that what you wanna do? Moron.
Evelyn says Betty’s Daughter is a lesbian but I’ve never noticed an accent.
I’m scared. I just got poked on Facebook.
Col Mustard: We’ll have a quiet night
Miss Scarlet: No murdering!
Professor Plum: No one dying tonight!
Me: What’s wrong? Are you all “board” of it lmao
*long pause*
Col Mustard: Maybe a little murdering
Miss Scarlet: Toss me that candlestick
Imagine my surprise when I found out “restraining order” did not mean she wanted me to tie her up.
I did nothing wrong—I tried to do nothing and did it wrong.
Her: If I get fat will you break up with me?
Me: No but you’re now just two more inane questions away from being buried in the garden.
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
[At bar]
*all sweaty after doing the worm*
Me: *out of breath* see anything you like?
Her: called 911, thought you were having a seizure.
me, holding a banana pretending to talk on the phone: haha it’s for you
daughter: no I have my own banana
me: haha I know but its like a phone
daughter: how
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a portal to another dimension.
Have you ever considered shaving that beard and gluing it to your bald spot?
…
Oh! You meant a question about the job position!