Protip: If your wife asks you “How lazy can you be?” it’s a rhetorical question.
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herekittykittykittykitty
– me stoned about to lose a hand to a raccoon
Ever accidentally turn off your alarm instead of hitting the snooze button and wake up two days later?
the Monday after daylight savings
I don’t have emotional baggage , I have got a small carry on griefcase
I don’t always eat 100-calorie packs of anything, but when I do, I make sure and eat the whole box.
ME: hey buddy you should wear a mask
CLARK KENT: but the glasses have been working fine
Get you a man who isn’t really into movies: He’ll never know that sweet love note you wrote him is really just a series of lines from Field of Dreams.
[Walking around the office]
*Sees nosepicker*
*Hears burper*
*Smells gas*Boss: What are you doing?
Calculating the…”Gross Margin.”
People who use the lift to go up one floor will be wiped out by natural selection
Direct deposit: $1,400
Me: *wipes my tears away with real Kleenex instead of a stray cat*
words that seem cool until you find out what they mean
– atrophy
– space bar
– supervision
– extraction
– dogmatic
It’s amazing how little sleep you can survive on, just by eating right, cutting out alcohol & sharing a bedroom with a vengeful poltergeist.
“Trust your gut” ok first of all my gut wants pizza 24 hours a day
Dracula: well? do I have any cavities?
Dentist: *using tiny mirror* hmm I… I can’t tell
My kids went to great lengths, including the use of interpretative dance, to explain exactly how big the bags under my eyes are
If you’ve ever wondered about the joys of parenting
ME: it’s rude to stare
THE ABYSS: you started it
Baby are you the middle of July because I was not ready for you at all and feel very aware that I should have been working out
Son: I want a quinceañera.
Me: You can’t have one
Son: Why not?
Me: Just asking this makes me realize why you failed spanish 1 last year
*ps: he is also 16*
When did kale arrive? 2007? Must’ve come via spaceship. I had never heard of it in my life. And then suddenly, it was everywhere. It had hearty advocates; & it had many, many detractors. How does a thing, kale, go from not existing to being ubiquitous? Spaceships. Only answer.
I was having a rough day so my wife suggested we make bread dough together.
I kneaded that.
Me: I don’t want to fill up on bread.
Executioner: This is literally your last meal.
Whoever says Paper beats Rock is an idiot. Next time I see someone say that I will throw a rock at them while they hold up a sheet of paper
Some of your neighbors’ doors are too sophisticated to be unlocked with a credit card. For everything else, there’s MasterCard®.
Johnny Depp always looks like he is just as confused by his “accent”
I was shit at school. I turned up to the wrong lessons and sat the wrong exams. The rest as they say is geography.
Hair Dresser: You could get extensions to add length.
Me: You could stop cutting.
I bet Ryan Gosling doesn’t even blow his candles out. He probably just winks at them and they faint.
So, we tip the pizza delivery guy, but not ambulance drivers.
I can’t remember if I’ve got bacon in my fridge or not. I think I might have a touch of hamnesia.