Have you ever had to call the landlord to ask for some caulk? How would you word that?
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The pens at banks are attached to chains because they turn into werewolves during a full moon and it’s for the town’s protection.
garage sales are a great place to find extra stuff for you to throw away when you move
The worst thing about millennial parents is that they name their pets human names and their kids pet names. They be like:
“Luna, don’t take Josh’s cone off, he just got spayed!”.
My 4yo is trying to wash the dishes for me so don’t tell me I’m not allowed to have a favorite child.
If Jesus was a cat we’d have nine Easters.
Please, person who just said “libary”, tell me more about what an avid reader you are.
‘Head, shoulders, knees and toes’ used to be a lot more cheery when I wasn’t singing about what hurt on a morning.
Not to brag, but I’ve been told I’m a fine one to talk.
dentist: have you been flossing
me: have you?
dentist: [to assistant] can he do that
Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes
Had to use my safe word halfway through my performance evaluation.
When you want to key his car, but he doesn’t have one, so you bend his bus pass.
Never thought I’d need to say ‘don’t lick the paint’ to a 14 year old, yet here we are.
Kid: I love you so much!
Me: Aww, baby, I love you too.
Kid: No mom, the dog. I love the dog so much.
Me: Yeah, I love the dog more than you too.
Spanish Government: Anything further to report?
Shakira: No.
Shakira’s hips: YES!
What he says: Ya know, your mom is actually right.
What I hear: So, you have chosen death.
i’m kinda confused by all the hbo max tweets. i thought we agreed to be poor together
Woo! Let’s get this weekend started!
*Starts doing laundry*
Have kids so you can answer questions like, “Are numbers letters?” and “How old was I when I was 3?”
A dating app for people who self sabotage called Hinder.
3-year-old: I pooped! I get a Popsicle!
Me: You’re potty trained now. You didn’t get a reward anymore.
3: *realizes growing up was a trap*
I’m exactly like Rambo if his bandolier was full of breakfast sandwiches
Yeah… My camera adds 30 pounds. But Photoshop takes it back off.
I am upset with my parents for making me exist. u just decided to make a person one day? who’s gonna pay my bills? me? I didn’t ask for this
[adoption agency]
Caseworker: Think you’re prepared to be a father?
*I perfectly execute the detachable thumb trick*
CW (taking notes): Excellent.
Me: If I can stick to schedule I can get everything done just in time
Toddler: I WANNA HELP!
Wireless bra? What’s the password?
I’m getting arthritis in my pinky finger which is making it painful to drink tea in my upper-class social circles.
*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
As a child I was bitten by a regular, mildly venomous spider, and I’ve turned into a regular, mildly venomous person. The system works.