Amazon thinks my recent humidifier purchase was merely the inaugural move in a newfound hobby of humidifier collecting.
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Not to brag, but Panera said I’m worth a treat so it’s good to know I’d go for at least $2 on the Panera black market.
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
CONFIRMED: Pete Davidson is now dating Sims 1 Bella Goth 🫢🫢
Jon if Garfield is too fat maybe stop purchasing ingredients and cooking full lasagnas for him you realize that’s dinner for a human family
Dane Cook: I’m dating a 23 year old
Leonardo DiCaprio: hold my beer
Leonardo DiCaprio’s girlfriend: I can’t
[caught hiding something in the garbage]
gf: are you eating hot wings again?
me: no
gf: oh really, then touch your eyes
me: god damnit
*accidentally makes crinkling noise.
Bring your sick kid to business meetings and watch how fast people get to the point.
the small neighbor human and i. have been working on a puzzle. for quite some time. we only have one piece left. but we can’t find it anywhere. i hope i didn’t eat it. that sounds like something i might do
My buddy telling me to invest in crypto I’m like dude I haven’t even figured out regular money yet
Truthful Tuesday. I don’t understand string theory or open faced sandwiches.
As I stood there looking at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself …………I’m gonna get thrown out of ikea in a minute..
girls post instagrams of their boyfriends like theyre toddlers. aww look, he tried a new food! so handsome in his big boy outfit at the wedding! we got sooooo tired on a trip, but he didnt cry once!
I’ve reached a tipping point in life where my interest in baked goods is greater than my interest in men and I’m calling this new chapter doughs before bros
Our parents were right all along, the music is too loud.
Her: You sure love to beat people over the head with your vocabulary, don’t you?
Me: I think the word you’re looking for is “bludgeon.”
[On the way home from school pick-up]
Me: So, what did you do at school today?
9: I burned down everything that exists.
5: No you didn’t! Then why is that fence there? Why am I here?
9: I also trapped my brother in a world of make-believe.
Wife: Can we eat outside?
Me: *supportive* Of course babe. I love wasps.
Me scrolling Twitter: ok that’s enough
My brain: what if the next tweet is The One
“come on there is no place safer than on the surface of an asteroid out in the middle of space what could possibly happen out here”
Forget the fad diets, I’m gonna lose weight the old fashioned way – by not having enough money for food.
Me: I like the cuddles more than the rough hugs.
Coach: Again, they’re called “huddles” and “tackles.”
im getting some exciting spam emails lately
When a waiter doesn’t write down the order and someone in your group asks for no pickles and you know that’s going to be thing that wrecks it for everybody.
Being a parent puts you in excruciatingly difficult situations. For example, having to talk to other parents.
when i was 12 i read lingerie like it’s spelled and everyone started laughing and they were like “haha LINGERIE? it’s *lauwnzhoureigh” and i was like ?? how am i the idiot in this situation? sorry i actually know how to read. sorry i don’t just make up sounds when i see letters.
I really like the word aesthetic, it’s so pleasant on the eye. I wonder if there’s a word to describe that.