@justinshanes: Amazon thinks my recent humidifier purchase was merely the inaugural move in a newfound hobby of humidifier collecting.
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@ceejoyner: ENEMY: can you smell that? That's fear. ME: the baked goods? ENEMY: no. focus on your fear. ME: we must be knife fighting behind a bakery
@KeetPotato: [airport] "you should have used a tag" [a horse emerges on luggage belt] noone else has brought a horse linda [another horse appears] oh FFS
@pittdave13: First date Me: have you ever taken a selfie with a dog face filter? Her: Yes, I love those! Me: Well look at the time this has been fun...
@Dschnoeb: I think the only girl I know that hasn't said "you're like a brother to me" is my sister.