@AnkCoupleTO: [skating together on a frozen pond] Her: Isn't this romantic? Me: *sees a 'danger thin ice' sign, makes a beeline for it* hell yeah

@ceejoyner: Original plans for Mt Rushmore had the mouths carved open so they would scream out bats at the setting sun then eat them again at dawn.

@dubiousgenius: WIFE: Having your phone in your jeans pocket will make you infertile & stop us having more kids ME: *shoves 10 phones & microwave in pocket*

@AngryRaccoon2: *husband and I arguing* Kids (in unison): "YAYYYYYY TWO CHRISTMASES!!!!!

@ComedicBust: [walking into a mattress store] Me: [smiling too hard] Manager: You can't jump on the beds. Me: [no longer smiling]