AMAZON: Your 11 year old niece has a birthday coming up and she loves horses
ALSO AMAZON: do you wanna buy like a sword or a manhole cover or something
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The only issue with being single is when you fall asleep on the couch after dinner and are wide awake at midnight and you can’t make it someone else’s problem
COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: are u carrying any drugs
ME: [a mousetrap is in my pocket] i don’t remember but i do consent to a search
Friend: but when the baby arrives, how will I figure out how to raise her?
Me: when you’re a parent, you just no
40ish year old me thinks 18ish year old me should’ve planned something better with her life.
Apple want $3,500 for their Vision Pro. No thanks. I can look like a dork for free.
Grading system for students in India:
A – Average
B – Below average
C – Can’t have dinner
D – Don’t come home
F – Find a new family
2: [looks at old photo]
Papa you have no beard?Me: That was a long time ago, before Papa grew one.
4: [looks at same photo]
This before Mama had one, too?My wife:
Me: [sighs] 4 years. You had a good run, son.
what’s something i can do besides get married where i can be the center of attention and everyone cries and tells me how beautiful i am
How do people who don’t have a cat know when a ghost has entered the room?
SON: I need lunch money.
DAD: Get a job.
SON: I’m in 5th grade-
DAD: All I’m hearin’ is excuses.
me: orders ice cream from grubhub
driver: makes 12 stops before my house
Due to an unforeseen error during last night’s love making session I am forced to wear non matching socks today
“I wasn’t born yesterday.”
-hilarious talking baby
If I were a doctor I would become assassinated by the insurance industry after publicly evincing the curative properties of a hot dog and a soda
6y/o: Mommy, do you know what a Ouija board is?
Me: Yes.
6y/o: Let’s get one so we can talk to you later.
if money doesn’t grow on trees please explain the price of avocados
Give it to me straight
“I’d really like to have sex with you-”
Now give it to me gay
“-r boyfriend.”
me: i wish i could have sex before i die
genie: granted
me: [873 years old] motherfu
I stuck a “Baby On Board” sign on my minivan to warn the other drivers how fussy and tantrum-y I get when traffic’s bad or I miss my nap.
inside you there are two wolves. one snores like “honk shoo honk shoo honk shoo.” the other one snores like “hooooonk mi mi mi”
wife: I don’t think our marriage can survive the distance issue
me: what distance issue, I’m always here or nearby
wife:
me: oh
Cough drops are perfect for when you want the cough you’ve had for three days to stop for 60 seconds and then come right back.
Magician: an ordinary deck of cards right?
Guy in front row: that’s a ham.
Magician: [whispers to assistant] get eagle eyes out of here.
An app told me I had a notification and the notification was that there were no new notifications, so we’re all dealing with a lot rn
My doctor: you really need to work on getting that D into you
Me: bro I’m trying, I’ve got a date next week and everything
My husband ate the rice I cooked for our new puppy and long story short his bags are packed.
ME: excuse me did you say this was non-GMO
WAITER: yes that’s right
ME: [pointing to my alphabet soup] there’s like a dozen of them in there
Pro Tip for the ladies. Ask him to show you where the “jack thingy” is at in the trunk and when he shows you..
That’s when you push him in.
Me to a friend: *complains for ten straight minutes without taking in a breath* but I really can’t complain
Falling asleep at work didn’t get me in trouble. Falling asleep at work and snoring got me in trouble.